Hormones don’t half sock you round the head. I really thought I was fine with the whole not having any more babies thing but I’ve noticed that at the most <ahem> productive time of my monthly cycle* I get the ‘ImusthaveanotherbabyI’mnotdoneyet’ urge. Earlier this week I was relaxing with a bit of light cross-stitching and watching an old episode of One Born Every Minute on 4OD when the ‘Imusthaveanotherbaby…’ thing smacked me in the face again**.
If I look at it objectively, I can see where all of this is coming from. I didn’t have a ‘normal’ pregnancy as I was having twins that sucked the life and soul out of me. I didn’t have a ‘normal’ birth because I had to have a caesarean. I didn’t enjoy the early days – first two years, since you ask – with the girls because I was convinced I was going to break them. I still feel bad that I didn’t invite my Mum and my sister to at least one of my (many) ultrasound scans. During my pregnancy I was terrified that I would lose one or both of the girls and became incredibly insular. Dh and I lived in a protective bubble and it didn’t even occur to me to involve people in our journey. I’m also still a bit cross that I wasn’t allowed to name one of the girls Freya. I happened to mention to the girls that I didn’t have a middle name today and Dh (rather waspishly) said that I should change mine to Freya…
I had always thought that I would like to experience a singleton pregnancy, a vaginal birth and looking after one baby rather than inexpertly juggling the needs of two babies simultaneously. However, I read an article today that also (figuratively) smacked me around the head. I realise now that I have been mis-diagnosing myself. I don’t think I actually want to have more babies. I’d like to wind the clock back and do a better job with R and G than I think I did first time round. I’m four years older and wiser. I have a few years of coal-face parenting experience in pretty tough conditions to fall back on and I reckon I’d be much better at dealing with everything that was thrown at me now.
Unfortunately, I can’t go Back to the Future and do that so I need to take on board the lesson of the article: I should enjoy R and G more because we’re really not having any more children. I can’t rectify any of the mistakes I made first time round so I need to move on from them.
My life is pretty great right now and I need to get on with enjoying it.
*I’m not actually tracking my cycle for fertility reasons – my periods are stupidly erratic (the consultant that told me they would settle down after I’d sprogged was LYING) – so I have an app on my phone (how modern) that tracks the start and end of things and happens to flag up my fertile week as well, should I wish to know.