One Born Every Minute liveblog 4/4/2012

…and now…the end is near…and so we face…the final curtain…it’s the final episode of series 3 (surely there will be more?) of One Born Every Minute tonight. Wait! They’re doing a what happened next programme tomorrow! Only it doesn’t feature any of my favourite families/births (and actually features one that made me want to pull my own arm off so I had something to hurl at the television) and I’m out tomorrow night (I know!) anyway so I’m not fussed about that…

Last week I said I’d watch the finale with mozzarella-based snacks and a cheeky glass of fizz. Sadly I have neither, although I’m fairly sure I spotted a bottle of Pinot in the fridge so I may have to have a glass (or two) to celebrate the end of 14 weeks of liveblogging mad skillz.

See you back here for bumps, blood, bottoms, boobs, births and babies at 9pm.

21.01 Bit late. Just kissing Dh before he disappears off to bed (early shift at work this week) but I’M HEEEEEEERE!

21.03 Midwifery really is a job for life. Very few vocations like that these days. If the Tories stay in power in five years time babies will be delivered by volunteers.Can you imagine? ‘Sorry, you can’t have your baby today because your community volunteer has decided to go to the beach. Hold it in and pop back next week’.

21.06 Some men are complete fuckers aren’t they?

21.08 I totally sympathise with her. My fanjo felt like it was on fire every time I had an internal. I should’ve kicked the doctor that looked like Ravi Bopara in the face when I had the chance…might have helped his cricket…

21.10 It’s stuff like this that reinforces my belief in fate and things that are ‘meant’ to happen. I’m not religious but I genuinely believe that things happen for a reason and certain people are destined to meet.

21.18 I envy the cameraderie that the midwives have. They genuinely make a difference to people’s lives and, as they said, they’re the first to put a hand on a new baby. Must be an amazing buzz, regardless of how many years you’ve been doing it.

21.20 Oh. Oh. I remember sobbing the first month that we tried and I had my period and it was really awful. I was lucky enough to fall pregnant the second month. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have years and years of trying and no baby. I feel like a bitch for even whingeing about my two. I don’t know I’m bloody (One) born.

21.25 It may be the Pinot I’m drinking but I feel a bit weepy. No-one should be alone whilst in labour.

21.27 I like the fact that she sounds really Canadian and then she sounds really Yorkshire. Loovleh.

21.33 I wish my Mum had been there when I had the girls. Not necessarily in the operating theatre, but at the hospital. It’s my fault for being so insular about it all. I feel bad for depriving her of the chance to be there on the day I gave birth.

21.35 It’s so sad that the father of the child has not interest, and that his family aren’t supporting her in any way. The thought of her printing off a picture of the father and putting it in a memory box for the child makes me want to weep (again).

21.37 Ooh! She’s got herself a new buff man. At least, I hope it’s a man. It might be a spaniel.

21.42 CROSS BABY ALERT! Isla’s a lovely name though ๐Ÿ™‚ I do like a wobbly-faced new Dad. Their face changes the moment the baby is born and it’s so lovely to watch.

21.50 Girls! We run the world! Girls! We run this mutha. Yeah! *puts wine glass down*

21.53 Isabel Esme *nods approvingly*

21.56 Plinky plonky birth music time. She’s spelt Isabel wrong though *pedantic face*

22.00 There we have it. Two more babies born, lives changed forever, one midwife retiring. I love One Born…no, I ADORE One Born. My two are growing up rapidly and the pregnancy, birth and newborn baby days are now an increasingly distant memory. I’m not broody anymore and I know that I’m not going to have any more babies of my own but I love watching other people’s lives change in the same way that ours did back in 2007.

If Channel 4 don’t do another series I’m going to camp out at their headquarters in Horseferry Road with placards until they change their minds.

p.s. Can future revisit shows feature Joy and Fabio and Janet and Ralph please? Pretty please? ๐Ÿ™‚

One Born Every Minute liveblog 28/3/2012

It’s the penultimate episode in the series tonight and we’re three promised three very different births – including twins *TWIN AWOOGA SIREN* – and an appearance by Myleene Klass. Hopefully someone will tell her that the Baby K range in Mothercare is a curate’s egg: good in parts: Exhibit A (bad) v Exhibit B (if it was available in my size I’d buy it). I like Myleene and I hope she plays the piano while she’s there. I bet there’s a piano in the Portland. Heck, they probably have an orchestra on site to drown out the well-bred screams.

The weather and the lack of alcohol over the last few weeks is making me skittish. I’ll calm down a bit and see you back here later. Yeah?

20.58 Bathed, plucked, painted and ready for action…and that’s just Dh. Chortle. He’s not here this evening so I don’t get to enjoy his horrifed face as the baby’s head pops out during the OBEM title sequence *sadface*

21.03 Myleene Klass: OOOOOOOOOH. Loovleh.

21.05 People lead extremely complicated lives don’t they? I don’t have the energy for all of this fandango-ing about with all this ‘Together/not together my baby/not my baby’ nonsense. It must be exhausting.

21.07 Love the description of Myleene as ‘really birthy’. As opposed to…?

21.09 I do wonder sometimes if the punishment for really enjoying yourself is twins. It’s like ‘Yeah you had fun. Yeah you lead an interesting life. NOW YOU’RE GETTING A REAL CHALLENGE. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!’.

21.10 A c-section doesn’t automatically make you thinner after birth. Especially if you’re having twins. Your body will NEVER look the same again. I hate my body now. I wish I’d appreciated it more when I was younger ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

21.20 Myleene INCOMING! She looks amazing. Cowbag. I’m going on a diet and running 53 miles tomorrow.

21.22 I remember waiting around with Dh for my c-section. It’s really surreal – the excitement of Christmas Eve and the sheer terror of A-level results day all rolled into one. I’m getting ‘Nam-style flashbacks here. Bloody hell.

21.26 The walk to theatre is so scary. My legs were really wobbly. It all felt really…final…if that makes sense. I go into ‘Upbeat yet oddly stoic’ mode at moments like that.

21.27 Jesus. It may be more than four years ago but I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I was cut open and that R and G came out. It doesn’t feel real, somehow.

21.29 Oh Oh. They are just wonderful when they’re snuggled up together as newborns. I’m getting something in my eye here.

21.31 As much as I love the M&S meal for ยฃ10, I’d pay a bit more for Matthew Macfadyen to come round and describe it to me…

….he can come over and describe Easter to me as well <insert filthy joke about hunting out Easter eggs here>

21.33 I am totally getting a fake tan and a pair of nude high heels. I wish she’d played the piano. Or the spoons. Or the forceps.

21.36 I’d love to be a Doula but I’d be crap at it. I don’t have enough empathy. In fact, I don’t have any emapthy. I’d be shouting GROW A PAIR YOU STUPID BINT after about 10 minutes.

21.44 My disapproval of men not being at the birth is well-known, but he seems like such a gentle soul that I almost understand his viewpoint. He should still be at the head end offering a hand to hold though. He could wear headphones if he finds the noise unbearable.

21.49 The fact that I really want a curry indicates that I will never have Myleene’s figure. She must deny herself everything remotely fun to look like that.

21.54 I can’t believe the midwife made him look at the popped-out head. Poor guy. I wouldn’t have expected Dh to do that if he really didn’t want to.

21.58 Wrinkly cross baby alert!

22.00 Last episode in this series next week. I might have a little party to celebrate. I’ll be here for the final time next week with some mozzarella-based snacks and a glass of fizz or two…

One Born Every Minute liveblog 21/3/2012

Episode 12 of One Born and there’s a televisual clash! Och Nooo! It’s the first episode of the new series of The Apprentice on t’other side and I LOVE the Apprentice. However, I can probably live without seeing corporate twats making…welll, twats of themselves for a week or two. Plus I’m supposed to be RESTING. There are only so many fecking 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzles I can do.

I’m not sure that women giving birth will be relaxing, exactly but it’s less likely to make my blood boil than LordSurAlan and his merry band of 16 dem fules. I keep nodding off over my laptop (and jigsaw puzzles) so I can’t promise it will be the most lively of liveblogs (when is it ever?) but I’m a completist.

See you back here at 9pm. Bring steak, spinach and dark chocolate.

20.59 I have eaten spinach. It was horrible. I have now consulted the hivemind and have been recommended lots of different things to do with it. No-one advocated ‘killing it with a brick’. Oh well. Anyway. Babies!

21.04 Dh and I have just joined in with the chair discussion. You can never have enough chairs, especially for the ballet coffee morning. I’m so middle-class that I may vomit. I have even worked out that we actually BENEFIT from today’s budget. My inner 17 year old hates me.

21.07 I had the empty uterus dream the night before my 12 week scan. At that point my uterus was the polar OPPOSITE of empty…

21.09 Ah. The old protein in urine test. Very difficult to wee into a tub when your enormous bump obscures everything south of your enormous swollen breasts. I once scooped up a load of my wee water in a cup from the toilet bowl after I failed to hit the bullseye. Nice.

21.13 All consultants should wear bow ties. It should be mandatory.

21.14 2lb10oz is diddy, even for a 30-weeker. Poor little Cody ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

21.21 Some 16 year olds seem more ready to have babies than others. They seem pretty mature for their age. When I was 16 I was very very cross with the world and kicked around in big jumpers and DM’s. No way was I ready for a baby then.

21.26 ‘Nice normal names’ ‘Not strange names’. I like these people. They are talkin’ mah language.

21.27 It’s just occurred to me that 16 year old Billie might be named after Billie Piper, which makes me feel ancient.

21.40 Sorry. My concentration is shot at the moment and I keep drifting off. *slaps self* This is no reflection on this episode, which is really interesting and as entertaining as usual.

21.43 I find the ‘baby not planned’ statement really interesting as surely with the contraceptive methods available an actual ‘accident’ is pretty unlikely isn’t it? You may not be actually ‘trying’ for a baby but if you have sex and don’t wear a condom or don’t take the pill for a day or two you are accepting the risk of getting pregnant. Surely ‘not actively trying to get pregnant’ is more likely?

21.54 If a midwife said ‘You’re the only one that can do this’ to me I would find it very difficult not to scream I EFFING KNOW THAT at them. It’s not like you can hire a monkey butler is it?

21.59 They should do recaps every week. I’d really like to see more recaps with couples and babies from previous series, starting with Janet and Ralph from Series 2 Episode 1 and Fabio and Joy from Series 1*. Get to it, Channel 4!

*I’m aware that I’m a little bit addicted to this programme.

22.01 TWINS! NEXT WEEK! TWINS *hyperventilates*

One Born Every Minute liveblog 14/3/2012

Episode 11 tonight. I broke one of my Lenten vows this morning. After 22 days I cracked and was unbelievably sarcastic about whingeing over the Starbucks name thing. I mean come on! It’s the ultimate First World Problem. ‘Ooh I don’t want a SERVANT knowing my NAME’. It’s simple. If you don’t like the policy, buy your coffee elsewhere. It’s not bloody rocket science.

As Wildchild once said, I’m back once again with the ill behaviour (the ill behaviour, the ill behaviour) and the Renegade Master of the below the belt sarcastic comment is firmly back in da room (I’m so down with the kidz).

However, I shall endeavour to rein it in for tonight’s One Born which, from the preview, sounds rather sweet. it’s all about FAAAAMILY this week. Or, as it’s set in Leeds, FAMILEH. It features Mormons and (former) wrong ‘uns and I’ll be back at 9pm to witter pointlessly about it….

20.59 Back. Bathed, plucked and nails almost painted. Trying not to dribble Barry M on the laptop. To clarify: that’s my vail varnish, not a Chuckle Brother or a Big Bad Fish.

21.02 I feel I should warn you…for the first time this series I have a glass of Pinot Grigio to hand, which may affect my comments over the next hour…

21.04 Eh? *syringes ears*

21.06 With the ‘I was horrified and didn’t think he could provide for her’ comment I think she speaks for all Mums. Everywhere.

21.07 *pops professional hat on* It’s lovely to see a foster mum and daughter with such a strong relationship. It proves that, with the right match, the process can work really well *takes professional hat off*

21.09 Whenever I hear the word Mormon I remember Dave Gorman’s rant in his book America Unchained about the fact that it’s basically a totally made-up 19th century invention, by some random bloke who was delivered some scriptures but conveniently couldn’t find them afterwards…or something like that. Read the book. It’s really good.

21.12 If you screw your eyes up a bit…ok, a lot…Mel and James look a bit like January Jones and Nicholas Hoult. I did say ‘a lot’.

21.18 I can’t understand a word that James is saying. Is it just me?

21.19 Now I’ve got the Mormon thing out of my system, Leah and Richard are really sweet.

21.21 I remember being asked that at school. I said I wanted to write books, marry a racing driver and live in Monaco. So I have achieved precisely NONE of those things.

21.22 Midwife reminds me of Olivia Colman as Harriet Schulenberg in Green Wing.

21.24 Midwife: “You’re 3-4 centimentres” Mel: “For FOOKS SAKE!”

21.27 You’d think being a midwife would put you off the idea of having your own babies but 6 times indicates not. FOOKIN’ ‘ELL.

21.31 Ooh. I really want that cupcake periodical thing with the cake stand, cutters and glitter. Ooh.

21.33 Singy-songy midwife is irritating lots of people on my Facebook newsfeed. She’s lovely but I’d find the voice a bit patronising if I was in the throes of labour.


21.37 From 3 to 9 centimetres in an hour! Blimey!

21.39 If someone offered to put on a CD called Simply Karma in labour I’d punch them in the face. Actually, I’d probably do that if I wasn’t in labour.

21.43 I’m sure she’s lovely but if she was my midwife I’d be screaming SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. SHUT UP.

21.49 A sexy advert for perfume isn’t going to work terribly well in a programme about giving birth…or maybe it is?

21.51 You think they would have discussed the name thing before she actually gave birth. RICHY isn’t a proper name. She should have played the I GAVE BIRTH card and called him Reuben or Jacob or any of the other names she suggested.

21.55 Good to see a young Dad fronting up and going into theatre. Often it’s the girls’ mum that accompanies her for the horrible bit.

21.57 9lb12oz Harvey is a chunky boy! No wonder it was a forceps delivery.

22.00 I want more multiple births and it looks like there aren’t going to be any more this series. Oh well. Next week’s episode looks really good. Aren’t they all?

I’m off to catch up on last night’s Gypsy Weddings. Toodles!

One Born Every Minute liveblog 7/3/2012

We’re on to episode 10 already and this week we have three very different couples to look forward to. I was saying to Dh last night that Channel 4 should do a mashup show called ‘One Big Fat Gypsy Born Every Minute’, in which travellers give birth with minimal involvement from their partners. Thelma Madine would be on standby at the hospital to create a bespoke Christening gown (with LEDs and mechanical butterflies, natch) for the newborn. The midwives would smile brightly throughout and say positive, life-affirming things.

I think it would be GREAT.

In the meantime, we’ll just have to make do with good old One Born. Be here at 9 or be a pineapple…or a palm tree.

20.57 Eschewing the usual televisual choices pre-One Born, we found an episode of Supersizers on YouTube. Giles Coren as an 80s yuppie. Be still my beating heart. Really. I like Alpha Males and Beta Geeks. He’s definitely in the latter (hairy hobbit) category.

21.02 While I don’t want to have any more babies. I’d love to be at the birth of someone else’s. Not quite sure I can wangle that, mind. Don’t think anyone would want me at their birth. I don’t have…what’s that crucial ingredient…? Tact. That’s the one. Oh well.

21.06 I was PROPERLY freaked out at the thought of pooing in front of everyone. Blood and guts? No problem. Poo? Not so much.

21.08 The dignity saying is one of Mum’s favourites. Along with Grammy Newton’s ‘Between two stools your arse falls to the ground’. Wise advice, that. No-one needs a sore arse. And now I’m back to poo again.

21.11 The prospect of vomming during childbirth (I did straight afterwards and burst my section stitches) didn’t bother me…mainly because I’m been vomming for most of the previous nine months. I could do a map of places I threw up whilst pregnant. Canary Wharf DLR station at 7.30am was probably the most glamorous.


21.18 Ridiculously glad I had a sunroof now.

21.19 I’m boycotting Celebrations since they removed the Galaxy Truffles from the selection.

21.21 *nods sagely* they all have an epidural in the end *crosses arms across imaginary bosom, purses lips*

21.24 I’m not sure I’d trust a clairvoyant to inform my thinking on life-altering decisions. However, I do think that choosing a safer method of insemination than t’internet is wise advice.

21.26 Just asked Dh if he would want to see the baby’s head coming out. He said Meh…yeah.

21.29 Lucas. Good name.

21.30 IT’S THE WISE OLD ELF *TOOOOOOOT* Haaaang on. He’ll be 79 when the baby turns 18. Crumbs.

21.37 We’ve changed thousands of nappies since we had the girls. Poo holds no fear for us. Just done a rough calculation and we changed nearly 4,500 nappies in the girls’ first year. People wonder why we’re not having any more…

21.40 I imagine he went to school with God. They were probably milk monitors together.

21.45 I like to think that I’ll be really accepting of the life choices that the girls make, but as a Mum it must be a culture shock to meet your daughter’s boyfriends and then for her to tell you that she’s gay. The sexuality thing wouldn’t bother me at all. It’d be the sudden change of mind that I would find more difficult to deal with. Basically, I don’t like change and I really don’t like people changing their minds. It’s the Librarian in me.

21.52 I’d like to write more but I’m about to be attacked by a gang of militant librarians with sharpened date stamps. It’s ok. I’m going to hurl hardback copies of DDC at them, Shaun of the Dead-style.

21.56 I LOVED breastfeeding R. I wish we’d been able to do it for longer. G had other ideas…

21.58 6lb3oz is dinky for a single baby. *smug twin mum face*

22.00 Did they say Mormons next week? Did I hear that correctly? *bulk buys cava and mozzarella-based snacks in anticipation*

That was fun…I’ll never be able to watch Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom in the same way again though.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 29/2/2012

It’s leap day! Let’s take a leap! Oh. What’s that you say? You’re a bit busy? Well, are you trying to do the laundry, writing up the adventures of Gerry the nursery Giraffe, finishing off a work document and sending work e-mails SIMULTANEOUSLY? ARE YOU?

Busy? BUSY? You don’t know the MEANING of the word busy. Yet here I am, poised to do another OBEM liveblog. I’m too, too good to you. I really am. (like anyone actually reads this shit anyway…)

I haven’t had the chance to look at the preview but we’re on Episode 9. I suspect there will be lot more LOOVLEH BAY-BEHS born between 9 and 10pm.


21.01. Squeaky bum time. So caught up with things that I’ve only just sat down. Trying to print off Gerry’s story to put in his book to take back to nursery, still haven’t finished the work thing…never mind. It can all wait for an hour while I watch OBEM.

21.04 How does Olga manage to look so glam in the early stages of labour? I looked like a sack of shit and I had a planned section. (I straightened my hair beforehand but followed the instructions to not wear make-up).

21.06 Why the heck did she choose not to have an interpreter? Surely it’s no different to having a medical professional in the room, especially if they’ve partnered someone in labour before.

21.08 Tattoos…giving birth…totally the same level of pain. Ooh! New northerism: FIESTEH!

21.13 Not wanting your husband at the birth because it’s intimate. So is the act that got you in the labour ward in the first place, girlfriend *clicks fingers, pops head from side to side* Uh-huh.

21.20 Oh! The melodrama! I think the Lithuanian woman is the first woman EVAH to have a baby. However, I admire her commitment to grooming between contractions. Lipgloss!

21.23 A spinal doesn’t hurt anywhere near as much as you think it’s going to. Or maybe my spectacles have become extremely rose-tinted in the last four years…?

21.25 “No Victor I don’t want you to stroke me anywhere”. Brilliant!

21.26 I LOVE old-fashioned names. Violet Elizabeth reminds me very slightly of Violent Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s so much nicer than lots of these new fangled names you hear, like Ethel and Dorothy. Ethel and Dorothy would have been an excellent sibset for twin girls. Christ, if the girls were named after my grandmothers they would be called Winifred and Mabel. Actually, Mabel isn’t too bad…

21.36 Christ. Giving birth is hard enough without doing it in a foreign language. The poor midwives are trying to communicate and not getting very far.

21.38 Oh bless. People forget that miscarriages hit the partner as hard as the woman.

21.41. I’m such a sucker for advertising. I have just ordered a copy of the One Born book from Amazon.


21.43 *breathes*

21.52 It’s a brave woman that wears acrylics in labour. Ouchy forceps time.

21.53 Meanwhile in the 1950s…

21.54 The word ‘episiotomy’ makes my bits curl inwards on themselves.


21.57 This is like the birth scene in Mad Men where Don is in the waiting room and Betty is whacked out on drugs, floating high above the delivery room. He flinched a bit at the naked baby. Not going to be a hands-on father, then?

22.00 From the preview of next week’s episode, it looks like the Wise Old Elf has turned lesbian and is having a baby with Nanny Plum while a small child poos in the corner. Have I got that right? TBH Nanny Plum (the cartoon character) could turn me. She’s totally awesome.

22.01 My brain is addled, I have the rest of the laundry to sort out and a report to finish so I will leave it there. Adios amigos!

One Born Every Minute liveblog 22/2/2012

Evening All! HoT Just checked the preview for this week’s episode and it’s going to be a bit of a tear-jerker, with (hopefully) happy endings all round. We’re back to single babies this week and I have given up being annoyed with people for Lent. I am also trying to give up sarcasm but suspect I may need to go on a 12-step programme to cleanse myself of that particular affliction.

Anyway, the new, improved, nicer version of me will be back here at 9pm!

20.54 Daddy Daycare. I know the point of this to demonstrate that the most useless of men can find their inner hands-on father but I wouldn’t have procreated with a man that told me that he didn’t want to change nappies or read stories. Maybe it’s just me.

21.01 Eyes down for a full house of BAY-BEHs!

21.04 Elective sections are really relaxed. It’s like checking into a hotel, except there’s a cabinet full of drugs instead of a minibar. Maybe it depends on the hotels you’re used to.

21.06 If Dh had started taking photos of me pre-section I would have punched him in the knackers

21.08 Dh has just said ‘Hope it’s ginger’. I can write that as I didn’t say it. Or think it.

21.09 Northern rugby. That’s tainting the child already. Hope it’s a girl and she supports Harlequins.

21.11 I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child. Moreover, I don’t want to imagine it.

21.16 PrAline. PrAline. Just go to Hotel Chocolat and buy a job lot of Billionaire Shortbread chocs and have done with it.

21.20 I love the banter between the midwives. So typical of any workplace. Little intimacies about total bollocks.

21.21 I do wonder if I would have had my Mum at the birth (as well as Dh) if I’d had a vaginal delivery. I suspect I would have done. She’s probably very grateful that I had a section!

21.24 R, my transverse baby lost a highly competitive round of the Flowerpot Game against Dh and G this afternoon. She was so furious that she’d lost that she chucked one of the game pieces at G’s head. She reguarly throws the Guess Who board across the room when she loses to G. Transverse babies = awkward children.

21.27 Oh no! All that build up and the baby has engaged so she gets sent home, still pregnant. All that anticipation and excitement for nothing.

21.29 How do the Mums in labour manage to get any sleep when they’re fully dilated? I’d be like PUSH! PUSH! COME ON! GET ON WITH IT! I’d be totally wired and ready for action. I don’t really do relaxation.

21.38 The more birthing programmes I see, the more convinced I become that it’s not fair to put a mother and baby through a traumatic birth experience if they are already having problems. Why keep pushing (I know) for a vaginal birth when a section would be quicker? I know this isn’t a popular or PC view, but the main objective is to get a healthy baby and mum, surely?

21.42 I still can’t believe I went through that. I remember the ‘rummaging’ sensation so well.

21.43 A GIRL! *airpunch* You’ll learn, son. You’ll learn. I can’t believe he announced the baby had a cracking pair of bollocks and looked gutted when the midwife gently told him it was a girl.

21.49 FAAAAAITH. F-A-I-T-H. FAAAAITH. It’s a lovely name, actually.

21.51 He suits his sleeve tattoos. They really work on some men and on others…they don’t.


21.57 *Breathes again*

22.00 Quite traumatic viewing tonight, but with a happy ending thankfully. Dear Channel 4, can we have a couple of nice straightforward births next week please? Ta!

One Born Every Minute liveblog 15/2/2012

It’s TWINS this week on One Born. Multiple births on television tend to fall into two categories:

1. Something VERY VERY BAD happens and all of us twin parents that have happy healthy twins feel sad and guilty for ever shouting at them.

2. A poor hapless woman has triplets…quads…sextuplets and the voiceover yells LOOK AT HOW HARD THIS IS! LOOK!

Oh! Speaking of shouty voiceovers (which One Born thankfully doesn’t have. Imagine if it was done by the sarcastic guy from Come Dine with Me. It might go a bit like this: ‘Oooh a lickle bit of pain YOU MASSIVE CHAV?!’) there is a third type of multiple birth depicted on television:

3. ROLL UP! ROLL UP! The LOOK! LOOK AT THE FREAKS THAT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME! LETS GET THE SCIENCE BEHIND MULTIPLE PREGNANCIES TOTALLY WRONG AND PAINT AT THE FREAKS! These programmes always include a lady of advancing years tutting while two or three identically dressed children wreak havoc in a supermarket. Always.

I think I might find tonight’s programme….cathartic. There’s probably another birth story as well but lets face it, I’m probably going to talk about the twin birth whilst mainlining Hotel Chocolat kirsch cherries and wearing my stained ‘Been there, done that’ t-shirt.

See you back here just before 9pm!

20.56 Posh pie boys have been replaced by hapless men attempting to work in a nursery. Relieved that Dh is a hands-on dad. Think some of the blokes on here were actually born in the 1930s. Bizarre.

21.03 That must be so weird. One of your colleagues is going to see you panting, swearing, screaming, pooing, weeing and totally naked.Oh and blood. Lots of blood. And a baby.

21.06 Is it me, or have they put her in a really, really nice delivery suite? Midwife perk?

21.07 TWINS! Girl and a boy! Older children as well. Brave, but live-in babysitters I guess.

21.08 10 years younger! Well played girlie!

21.09 She’s teeny tiny. No wonder one of the babies is a bit small. No room in there! Ah. I remember the double heartbeat monitor. I was monitored so much towards the end of my pregnancy that the Unit gave me some yellow straps to bring in with me. Probably still got them somewhere.

21.11 The whole birthing Twin 2 thing really freaked me out. R solved the conundrum for me by taking up residence across my stomach whichย  = c section. I imagine she did this to irritate G and give her much less room to manoerve. It would also explain my amazing moving stomach as they punched and kicked each other :/ I tried to explain this to R and G today and showed them the picture of my heavily pregnant stomach. I get the impression they think that I’m lying and that they just appeared, fully formed as walking, talking children.

21.15 Love the description of the incubator as a massive toaster.

21.19 Bang goes the birth plan. My birth plan was a big, blank page. If I’d thought about it I would’ve put a huge black question mark in the middle of the page, surrounded by smaller question marks and the following sentence at the very bottom of the page: ‘I want to healthy babies and I don’t care how much shit I have to go through to get them. Let them have the easy ride. I’ll take the hit’.

21.26 It’s really interesting that midwives with bags of experience can really lose it when going through childbirth themselves. It’s one of those situations where you can know all of the theory and help other people go through it but it’s totally different when it’s your body and your pain.

21.28 The thought of anyone manually moving R without her express prior permission is utterly unthinkable. She wouldn’t have stood for it. They were both cross enough when they were forcibly evicted through the sunroof.

21.30 I have re-thought my birth plan. I would just have written, in big red letters GIVE ME THE DRUGS.

21.37 ‘It’s a small baby…you’ve done this twice before… (I think that was a polite way of saying ‘So you’ve got some stretch down there’)

21.38 Mmmmm. Diamorphine. *air punch* (it made me blissed out but also very vommy)

21.42 IT’S A BABY’S HEAD! <plinky plonky birth music> I love a cross newborn baby. Newborn babies are so scrunchy and angry.

21.47 Twin 2 is always the pesky twin. Follows through into childhood as well.

21.49 The thing about twin births is the 54 people you have to have in the room with you, all looking at your nethers.

21.50 THE WISE OLD ELF IS DELIVERING TWIN 2! (Ben and Holly fans will understand this update)

21.52 All together now. Aaaaaaaaah.

21.53 4lb2oz and 4lb13oz. Tiddly but lovely. However, in twin birth Top Trumps, I win with 6lb5oz and 6lb7oz. Yay me. *hi-5’s self*

21.56 I love watching Dh watch the heads pop out. Flinches every time.

21.59 See? Even that Dad cried and he’s not a crier.We were fretting about the swelled head on Rose from our sofa. Guess that’s where she rotated in the birth canal? She seemed fine afterwards.

Aw, well that was just lovely. A nice twin birth and a nice singleton birth with very little drama this week. Shows that not all twin births are awful nightmares and that midwives go to pieces during their own labour and are therefore human after all…

Next week: I always hope that men who really want sons get daughters to teach them a lesson. On that note I bid you good night!

One Born Every Minute liveblog 8/2/2012

Do I really have to do an intro bit now? Really? <scuffles foot on stony floor, sighs heavily> Oh. Ok then. You know the drill. We’re up to Episode 6 now and for once I’ve actually looked at the preview. I know! I was shocked as well. It’s a blip, I promise.

After last week’s Jeremy Kyle-style shenanigans we’re back to…oh! 17 years old you say? Father of child in jail you say? *Flexes typing fingers with anticipation*. The other couple are older and already have children from previous relationships/marriages. Third time’s the charm, as they say…

See you back here at 9pm for some serious judgy-pants hoicking and baby-cooing.

20.54pm the ruffly-haired uber-posh Baker Brothers are visiting some Master Bakers. I misheard that first time. If some of the prospective parents on One Born had visited the Master Bakers they wouldn’t be in the labour ward. Ka-boom-tish. I’m here all week. Really.

21.01 Oh heck ‘A dramatic struggle to survive’ *reaches for tissues*

21.05 He is NOT 47. I’d put him at mid-late 30s.

21.07 and at the other end of the spectrum… THAT’S NOT A REAL NAME!! HOW MANY VOWELS???

21.08 Lot of Croydon facelifts there *adopts snob face, pulls judgy pants out of arse crack*

21.12 ‘He’s a good lad but he can’t stay out of jail’. What a catch eh? Well, they’ve clearly spend more than a few minutes together to get her into this mess. I’m back to Too Much Too Young again. Haven’t you heard of contraception? TRY WEARING A CAP!

21.18 I really like Dawn’s glasses – but if I wore them I’d look like Velma from Scooby Doo.

21.20 ‘He were dead happy to be a dad…but not happy enough to stay out of jail’. Sigh.

21.22 The trouble with 8 year olds is that their pain threshold is non-existent.

21.24 Do midwives become immune to the screaming after a while? It’s like Resident Evil set in a labour ward.

21.32 BIGGER. FATTER. GYPSYER. Pineapple. Palm tree. Yeeeeeeees!

21.33 Hold hands everyone….Dh is wincing and gripping his phone just a little bit tighter next to me on the sofa.

21.34 A cut. I’m clenching. Front and back.Ow.

21.42 Couldn’t type during that. I clutched Dh’s hand. It was the bit when the head was out but the shoulders were stuck and the baby was floppy and silent. Horrible. Wonderful to hear the little baby cry. I held my breath throughout. Can I breathe out now?

21.48 Meanwhile….GIRRIT SOME WELLEH! Go on go on go on do yeh want a cup o’tea?

21.53 TWANG.

21.55 That wasn’t the sound of my womb twanging.

21.56 10lb5oz!!! Wow. No wonder the poor thing got stuck. Looks like they had to break her arm to get her out. The medical team did an amazing job there.

21.59 I hope Jack grows up and realises what he’s missing out on withhis daughter.


One Born Every Minute liveblog 1/2/2012

Roll up! Roll up! It’s One Born Every Minute day. The children are in bed, Dh is working the late shift and I’ll be on the sofa with my laptop at 9pm after I’ve done day 24 of the 30 Day Shred. I won’t be phoning it in. I won’t be sending myself a false message of lethargy. I’ll be pushing myself to get the results I want and deserve….hang on a second! I’ve been drugged by the Jillian Michaels bots again. Sorry about that. One Born. Babies. 9pm.

Laterz…I need to find my trainers…

20.55 Shred? Done. Swearing at three toned women? Done. Now watching ruffly-haired well-spoken boys cooking pies for not-very-poor-looking-students. BRING ON THE BABIES!

21.01 I love the strong language warning before the programme starts. Women are supposed to be meek and silent during birth aren’t they? Or is that the Scientologists? I get confused. You’re basically pushing a watermelon through the eye of a needle. Of course you’re going to do some swears!

21.03 There should be a rent a newborn baby scheme for people that don’t actually want one, but want to cuddle and squidge one for half an hour. Then give it back. I’d like to sign up to that scheme.

21.06 I envy women that don’t have any stretchmarks. Four years on my stomach looks like a relief map of Jabba The Hutt’s arse.

21.07 The mere mention of the word ‘speculum’ makes my bits hurt. I get the NHS equivalent of ‘Nam flashbacks ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

21.10 I find the use of the phrase ‘Catch on’ really odd. Is it regional? For some reason it reminds me of crocheting.

21.11 I wore my sick bucket as a hat too. I was whacked out on morphine at the time though. It was hilarious. (it wasn’t hilarious). Oh maybe it was methadone (bless them)? That might explain the ‘twistin’ my melon man’ dreams I had that night.

21.19 I like the idea of birthing rules. I would have had ‘stay at the head end’ and ‘go and buy me Grazia. Now.’

21.22 Two fingers and a hook. They ARE doing crochet!

21.24 I have long fingers. I could be a midwife! It’s a shame I have no patience and fundamentally dislike 95% of people I meet, otherwise I’d be brilliant at it.

21.34 On a side note, I am practically hyperventilating with excitement that Big Fat Gypsy Weddings is starting again soon.

21.35 In another life Jess would be the 6th member of The Saturdays. She could probably deputise for Una while she has her Foden-baby. See? I’m down with the kids. Tangentially, the Healy-Foden baby is going to be gorgeous.

21.43 Where’s the father of Jess’ child now? On his phone having a fag, probably. I sound like a broken record but if you were there for the procreation you should be there for the birth. All of it.

21.45 ‘Too scared’?? TOO SCARED? Jesus fecking christ. He’s a keeper isn’t he? ‘Cept she’s done the sensible thing and has already binned him. Twat.

21.48 I had no idea that they couldn’t do a vaginal examination if the woman refused. I assumed that medical intervention would always supercede the wishes of the individual, but clearly not in childbirth.

21.53 I didn’t have her down as a scuba diver. Funny how you get an impression of someone and it isn’t quite right.

21.56 *The sound of wombs twanging at the sight of baby Lucy*

21.59 He has a heart after all. Rikeya. What a cutie. Oooh. Hang on. It all went a bit Jeremy Kyle there. Blimey.

22.00 How old is Georgia? 14? Oh my goodness.

There haven’t been any multiple births in this series yet. I’d really like them to show us a straightforward twin birth. They’ve only shown ones with complications before and most twin births aren’t like that.