One Born Every Minute liveblog 20/2/2013

Boom! After seven weeks of singleton babies finally…FINALLY…we have a twin birth to look forward to tonight. Woo and, indeed, hoo.

Half-term here and we’re tag-teaming it. One works, one does R and G stuff. Tag, swap and repeat. So far the girls have been to a birthday party (of course!), the funfair, a playdate, the zoo, the park and a museum. Plans for the rest of the week are likely to involve a ride in the cable car, lunch out somewhere and another birthday party. Honestly, they do more in a week than most people do in an entire year.

Between all of this they’re drawing, making, writing, reading and demanding to play the Yes-No game at every opportunity. They have no concept of downtime or chilling. They’re go go go go sleep. Go go go go sleep. They do everything at 100 miles an hour at ear-splitting volume. It’s knackering. Wonderful, but knackering.

Still, I’d rather have that than two clingy, drippy, wet children with no personality or oomph. You know, the type that cry at birthday parties or if their parents leave their sight for a second, hate social occasions, freak out at children’s entertainers and wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

I’m still convinced there was a mix-up at the hospital five and a bit years ago.

With that in mind, I’ll be back at 9pm wittering on to myself as usual. Funz.


21.01 With my coursework (speech perception this week) and Candy Crush, it’s amazing I’m here at all. BRING ON THE TWINS!

21.04 Oh the swelling. I had feet like a hobbit. Slightly less hairy. They aren’t old parents around here. 39 and 41 is entirely normal. We’re the abnormal, young parents.

21.06 Ruth used to smack the pads. made a heck of a racket.

21.08 Sex education videos are meant to put you off having babies, not the other way round. Fail.

21.10 Twin pregnancy is not sexy at all. Some women really blossom and glow when they’re pregnant. I looked like a sack of shit. Well, slightly more than usual.

21.12 I liked knowing it was all planned and happening on a certain date. Took some of the pressure off, weirdly.

22.16 He’d get on with Ralph from series 2. They could have a three-way stat-off with Richard Osman from Pointless.

21.20. I hear ya, sista. C-section isn’t the easy option. Weirdly, I miss being monitored. It’s been more than five years. I should be over it by now.

21.23 ALL dads are embarrassing. It’s the law. Dad law.

21.35 I think her approach is extremely sensible. I intend to vet all of the girls’ dates. With a 50 page questionnaire.

21.37 I had blocked the memory of the tights out. Until now.

21.38 I have just wailed I MISS THEM BEING SMALL and had to mentally slap myself.

21.40 Or you bleed for ten weeks if you’re me. Urgh.

21.43 Oh, I’m finding this quite hard to watch. The operating theatre. The long walk to theatre wearing a hospital gown and a pair of tights. Making jokes and smiling whilst wishing you could run away. Oof.

21.51 Just realised that most dads go over and see the babies in theatre. Dh didn’t leave my side and the girls were brought over to him, one by one, Ruth first.

21.53 The girls would be brilliant big sisters. In a way it’s a shame they won’t get to experience it, but what’s done is done.

21.59 Having a baby is a decision you make with your heart and your gut. It’s not a rational decision. I don’t think it is, (or should be) anyway.

22.04 Anyway….back to cognitive psychology and singleton babies next week. See? Twin c-sections can be lovely. Told you.


One Born Every Minute liveblog 22/2/2012

Evening All! HoT Just checked the preview for this week’s episode and it’s going to be a bit of a tear-jerker, with (hopefully) happy endings all round. We’re back to single babies this week and I have given up being annoyed with people for Lent. I am also trying to give up sarcasm but suspect I may need to go on a 12-step programme to cleanse myself of that particular affliction.

Anyway, the new, improved, nicer version of me will be back here at 9pm!

20.54 Daddy Daycare. I know the point of this to demonstrate that the most useless of men can find their inner hands-on father but I wouldn’t have procreated with a man that told me that he didn’t want to change nappies or read stories. Maybe it’s just me.

21.01 Eyes down for a full house of BAY-BEHs!

21.04 Elective sections are really relaxed. It’s like checking into a hotel, except there’s a cabinet full of drugs instead of a minibar. Maybe it depends on the hotels you’re used to.

21.06 If Dh had started taking photos of me pre-section I would have punched him in the knackers

21.08 Dh has just said ‘Hope it’s ginger’. I can write that as I didn’t say it. Or think it.

21.09 Northern rugby. That’s tainting the child already. Hope it’s a girl and she supports Harlequins.

21.11 I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child. Moreover, I don’t want to imagine it.

21.16 PrAline. PrAline. Just go to Hotel Chocolat and buy a job lot of Billionaire Shortbread chocs and have done with it.

21.20 I love the banter between the midwives. So typical of any workplace. Little intimacies about total bollocks.

21.21 I do wonder if I would have had my Mum at the birth (as well as Dh) if I’d had a vaginal delivery. I suspect I would have done. She’s probably very grateful that I had a section!

21.24 R, my transverse baby lost a highly competitive round of the Flowerpot Game against Dh and G this afternoon. She was so furious that she’d lost that she chucked one of the game pieces at G’s head. She reguarly throws the Guess Who board across the room when she loses to G. Transverse babies = awkward children.

21.27 Oh no! All that build up and the baby has engaged so she gets sent home, still pregnant. All that anticipation and excitement for nothing.

21.29 How do the Mums in labour manage to get any sleep when they’re fully dilated? I’d be like PUSH! PUSH! COME ON! GET ON WITH IT! I’d be totally wired and ready for action. I don’t really do relaxation.

21.38 The more birthing programmes I see, the more convinced I become that it’s not fair to put a mother and baby through a traumatic birth experience if they are already having problems. Why keep pushing (I know) for a vaginal birth when a section would be quicker? I know this isn’t a popular or PC view, but the main objective is to get a healthy baby and mum, surely?

21.42 I still can’t believe I went through that. I remember the ‘rummaging’ sensation so well.

21.43 A GIRL! *airpunch* You’ll learn, son. You’ll learn. I can’t believe he announced the baby had a cracking pair of bollocks and looked gutted when the midwife gently told him it was a girl.

21.49 FAAAAAITH. F-A-I-T-H. FAAAAITH. It’s a lovely name, actually.

21.51 He suits his sleeve tattoos. They really work on some men and on others…they don’t.


21.57 *Breathes again*

22.00 Quite traumatic viewing tonight, but with a happy ending thankfully. Dear Channel 4, can we have a couple of nice straightforward births next week please? Ta!