One Born Every Minute liveblog 13/2/2013

So we’re halfway through Series 4 of One Born and tonight’s episode promises…well, it’s bumps, blood, bums, boobs and babies isn’t it? It’s hardly Portland Babies, where’s it’s all floaty and fabulous Isabella Oliver, the consultants all look like Hugh Jackman and there’s a wine menu and foie gras for breakfast. The dad that’s sort-of involved but won’t be at the birth is already pushing my over-active Jeremy Kyle anger-button so I should have worked up a good head of steam by 9pm.

Meanwhile I’m doing battle with perception in cognitive psychology this week. I have just got back from R and G’s parents’ evening with a warm glow in my heart and a spring in my step (maybe we’re not so shit at this parenting lark after all) and it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, so Dh has been furtively hiding things and being odd. Well, only slightly more than usual.

As Sherlock said in A Scandal in Belgravia whilst at The Palace in the buff: LATERZ!

20.57 OCD cleaners *boak*

21.04 Jonathan has EXCELLENT hair.

21.05 I’m amazed that some girls get pregnant at all when they don’t know which hole does what, how things expand, etc. having said that, I thought I could wear knickers during my c-section so I’m hardly one to judge.

21.07 Facebook has a lot to answer for. He’s the hairy baby maker cf. Father Ted, Speed 3.

21.10 listening to the ‘gallop’ is so comforting. I got really addicted to being monitored and used to count down the days/hours/minutes until I could hear R and G on the machines.

21.18 I like these people. I like plans. Poor Dh. He was planned to death. Me: “I’M OVULATING WE ARE HAVING AN EARLY NIGHT” Dh (scared) ‘Oh-Kay’. It prepared him for life with twin girls. Now they order him about too.

21.23 mind you, he was only subjected to two months of me ordering him to bed. I think he would have liked it for a bit longer but THE PLAN worked. mwahahahaha

21.24 Kyle-alert activated. Why isn’t the baby’s dad at the birth if he wants to be involved and supportive? I do not compute this. It makes no sense to me. I’m sure there are plenty of women that don’t want to be at the birth of their own child, either.

21.30 I don’t want to become a grandma. Not until R and G are at least 27, anyway.

21.41 ‘Ooh she is ginger’ Esmay. Not Esme. Esmay. Twilight has a lot to answer for.

21.47 it’s a good job that midwives are good at navigating women’s bodies as they’re evidently shit at geography.

21.52 OMG the giving birth over the phone advice is amazing.

21.54 Similar level of pain in waxing and giving birth, I would imagine BECAUSE I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT EITHER.

21.59 YEEEEEEEES! TWINS NEXT WEEK!!! Yeah! Look at the bump on THAT.


One Born Every Minute liveblog 15/2/2012

It’s TWINS this week on One Born. Multiple births on television tend to fall into two categories:

1. Something VERY VERY BAD happens and all of us twin parents that have happy healthy twins feel sad and guilty for ever shouting at them.

2. A poor hapless woman has triplets…quads…sextuplets and the voiceover yells LOOK AT HOW HARD THIS IS! LOOK!

Oh! Speaking of shouty voiceovers (which One Born thankfully doesn’t have. Imagine if it was done by the sarcastic guy from Come Dine with Me. It might go a bit like this: ‘Oooh a lickle bit of pain YOU MASSIVE CHAV?!’) there is a third type of multiple birth depicted on television:

3. ROLL UP! ROLL UP! The LOOK! LOOK AT THE FREAKS THAT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME! LETS GET THE SCIENCE BEHIND MULTIPLE PREGNANCIES TOTALLY WRONG AND PAINT AT THE FREAKS! These programmes always include a lady of advancing years tutting while two or three identically dressed children wreak havoc in a supermarket. Always.

I think I might find tonight’s programme….cathartic. There’s probably another birth story as well but lets face it, I’m probably going to talk about the twin birth whilst mainlining Hotel Chocolat kirsch cherries and wearing my stained ‘Been there, done that’ t-shirt.

See you back here just before 9pm!

20.56 Posh pie boys have been replaced by hapless men attempting to work in a nursery. Relieved that Dh is a hands-on dad. Think some of the blokes on here were actually born in the 1930s. Bizarre.

21.03 That must be so weird. One of your colleagues is going to see you panting, swearing, screaming, pooing, weeing and totally naked.Oh and blood. Lots of blood. And a baby.

21.06 Is it me, or have they put her in a really, really nice delivery suite? Midwife perk?

21.07 TWINS! Girl and a boy! Older children as well. Brave, but live-in babysitters I guess.

21.08 10 years younger! Well played girlie!

21.09 She’s teeny tiny. No wonder one of the babies is a bit small. No room in there! Ah. I remember the double heartbeat monitor. I was monitored so much towards the end of my pregnancy that the Unit gave me some yellow straps to bring in with me. Probably still got them somewhere.

21.11 The whole birthing Twin 2 thing really freaked me out. R solved the conundrum for me by taking up residence across my stomach which¬† = c section. I imagine she did this to irritate G and give her much less room to manoerve. It would also explain my amazing moving stomach as they punched and kicked each other :/ I tried to explain this to R and G today and showed them the picture of my heavily pregnant stomach. I get the impression they think that I’m lying and that they just appeared, fully formed as walking, talking children.

21.15 Love the description of the incubator as a massive toaster.

21.19 Bang goes the birth plan. My birth plan was a big, blank page. If I’d thought about it I would’ve put a huge black question mark in the middle of the page, surrounded by smaller question marks and the following sentence at the very bottom of the page: ‘I want to healthy babies and I don’t care how much shit I have to go through to get them. Let them have the easy ride. I’ll take the hit’.

21.26 It’s really interesting that midwives with bags of experience can really lose it when going through childbirth themselves. It’s one of those situations where you can know all of the theory and help other people go through it but it’s totally different when it’s your body and your pain.

21.28 The thought of anyone manually moving R without her express prior permission is utterly unthinkable. She wouldn’t have stood for it. They were both cross enough when they were forcibly evicted through the sunroof.

21.30 I have re-thought my birth plan. I would just have written, in big red letters GIVE ME THE DRUGS.

21.37 ‘It’s a small baby…you’ve done this twice before… (I think that was a polite way of saying ‘So you’ve got some stretch down there’)

21.38 Mmmmm. Diamorphine. *air punch* (it made me blissed out but also very vommy)

21.42 IT’S A BABY’S HEAD! <plinky plonky birth music> I love a cross newborn baby. Newborn babies are so scrunchy and angry.

21.47 Twin 2 is always the pesky twin. Follows through into childhood as well.

21.49 The thing about twin births is the 54 people you have to have in the room with you, all looking at your nethers.

21.50 THE WISE OLD ELF IS DELIVERING TWIN 2! (Ben and Holly fans will understand this update)

21.52 All together now. Aaaaaaaaah.

21.53 4lb2oz and 4lb13oz. Tiddly but lovely. However, in twin birth Top Trumps, I win with 6lb5oz and 6lb7oz. Yay me. *hi-5’s self*

21.56 I love watching Dh watch the heads pop out. Flinches every time.

21.59 See? Even that Dad cried and he’s not a crier.We were fretting about the swelled head on Rose from our sofa. Guess that’s where she rotated in the birth canal? She seemed fine afterwards.

Aw, well that was just lovely. A nice twin birth and a nice singleton birth with very little drama this week. Shows that not all twin births are awful nightmares and that midwives go to pieces during their own labour and are therefore human after all…

Next week: I always hope that men who really want sons get daughters to teach them a lesson. On that note I bid you good night!