One Born Every Minute liveblog 6/2/2013

Tonight’s episode is the one where they reference Fifty Shades of Grey and the baby boom it has apparently inspired. I was more ‘inspired’ last Summer by the Olympics and Paralympics and the sexy sporty achievements therein, but I’m strange like that. In any case, there’s a limit to the number of times DH will agree to pretend to be a member of the British cycling team for my amusement.*

*he hasn’t actually done this. Yet.

So, sexy times equals babies conceived in lifts, car parks, this way, that way, yadda yadda…. Funtimes!

20.58 Terribly distracted by Joe Hart and his sexy footballist saving skills. Phwoar.

21.00 “There are scenes of surgery”. I love scenes of surgery! That was me, once, five and a bit years ago. Yeah!

21.03 Also, I love students sitting in. I met a lot of student doctors and midwives during my pregnancy. There were about ten of them in theatre when I gave birth. Apparently they all wanted to see what a straightforward c-section twin birth was like. Relatively rare, apparently. I can’t imagine why anyone would refuse a medical student the chance to learn…actually I can think of one or two people I know that would object. They’re *those* people.

21.09 There’s been no mention of Fifty Shades yet. Thankfully.

21.11 just flicked over to the football. Joe Hart still excellent at being a goalkeeperist. Lovely.

21.13 GYPSY WEDDINGS KLAXON!

21.14 one Fifty Shades bomb dropped.

21.16 I was really chilled before my c-section. Completely unusual for me. Mine was delayed by a couple of hours and I lounged around like a beached whale doing crossword puzzles and reading the paper. I figured it’d be the last time I’d get to do that in peace for…oooh…about 18 years.

21.18 Her chimp his telling her she can’t do it. I’m not referring to her partner, I’m referring to the irrational bit of the brain that chats loudly at you and tells you you can’t do stuff.

21.20 I encountered loads of women like her in waiting rooms. Waiting more than ten minutes to see a doctor at a routine appointment compelled them and their entourages to harangue the receptionists – to no real effect – in increasingly loud voices. I think they were fretting about missing Jeremy Kyle on ITV2

21.22 I know! Lets let an emergency c section baby DIE so they can squeeze you in. I mean, obviously you are SO much more important that them aren’t you? YOU KNOBS.

21.24 This is the first time, ever, that I have wanted to turn One Born off.

21.25 Meanwhile, the other two have kept calm, carried on and had a baby. Minimal fuss. No histrionics.

21.27 Scared of giving birth? Here’s an idea. Have protected sex? Or no sex? Just a thought.

21.33 oh thank goodness. The last half an hour won’t focus on impatient lady. Right, I understand that pregnancy, birth etc is stressful. Believe me, I’ve been there. I get it. There’s a lot to be said for Grace under pressure though.

21.40 I can’t think of anything nice to say so I’m saying nothing.

21.41 Repeat after me: intervention is not a failure. Intervention is not a failure.

21.43 It takes longer to recover from a GA, not in terms of the wound and stitches, but the after-effects of a GA are worse (in my experience anyway. I’m always so sick after GAs.)

21.45 ok, experience tells us that the baby is probably going to be fine but THAT’S A REALLY BAD TIME FOR AN AD BREAK CHANNEL 4.

21.52 putting in my weekly ‘If some bounder knocked one of my two up and wasn’t around or involved I would HUNT HIM DOWN” here.

21.57 Baby girl is fine, thank goodness. Also, irritating mum is now being nice so I feel bad for being mean. Pregnancy and childbirth is HARD, however you do it.

21.59 Still no twins next week, judging by the preview. Bet they’re saving them for the last episode, like dancing squirrels in the news.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 8/2/2012

Do I really have to do an intro bit now? Really? <scuffles foot on stony floor, sighs heavily> Oh. Ok then. You know the drill. We’re up to Episode 6 now and for once I’ve actually looked at the preview. I know! I was shocked as well. It’s a blip, I promise.

After last week’s Jeremy Kyle-style shenanigans we’re back to…oh! 17 years old you say? Father of child in jail you say? *Flexes typing fingers with anticipation*. The other couple are older and already have children from previous relationships/marriages. Third time’s the charm, as they say…

See you back here at 9pm for some serious judgy-pants hoicking and baby-cooing.

20.54pm the ruffly-haired uber-posh Baker Brothers are visiting some Master Bakers. I misheard that first time. If some of the prospective parents on One Born had visited the Master Bakers they wouldn’t be in the labour ward. Ka-boom-tish. I’m here all week. Really.

21.01 Oh heck ‘A dramatic struggle to survive’ *reaches for tissues*

21.05 He is NOT 47. I’d put him at mid-late 30s.

21.07 and at the other end of the spectrum… THAT’S NOT A REAL NAME!! HOW MANY VOWELS???

21.08 Lot of Croydon facelifts there *adopts snob face, pulls judgy pants out of arse crack*

21.12 ‘He’s a good lad but he can’t stay out of jail’. What a catch eh? Well, they’ve clearly spend more than a few minutes together to get her into this mess. I’m back to Too Much Too Young again. Haven’t you heard of contraception? TRY WEARING A CAP!

21.18 I really like Dawn’s glasses – but if I wore them I’d look like Velma from Scooby Doo.

21.20 ‘He were dead happy to be a dad…but not happy enough to stay out of jail’. Sigh.

21.22 The trouble with 8 year olds is that their pain threshold is non-existent.

21.24 Do midwives become immune to the screaming after a while? It’s like Resident Evil set in a labour ward.

21.32 BIGGER. FATTER. GYPSYER. Pineapple. Palm tree. Yeeeeeeees!

21.33 Hold hands everyone….Dh is wincing and gripping his phone just a little bit tighter next to me on the sofa.

21.34 A cut. I’m clenching. Front and back.Ow.

21.42 Couldn’t type during that. I clutched Dh’s hand. It was the bit when the head was out but the shoulders were stuck and the baby was floppy and silent. Horrible. Wonderful to hear the little baby cry. I held my breath throughout. Can I breathe out now?

21.48 Meanwhile….GIRRIT SOME WELLEH! Go on go on go on do yeh want a cup o’tea?

21.53 TWANG.

21.55 That wasn’t the sound of my womb twanging.

21.56 10lb5oz!!! Wow. No wonder the poor thing got stuck. Looks like they had to break her arm to get her out. The medical team did an amazing job there.

21.59 I hope Jack grows up and realises what he’s missing out on withhis daughter.

22.00 TWINS! TWINS ALERT! NEXT WEEK! TWINS!