One Born Every Minute liveblog 30/1/2013

HATE January. It has gone on for 54 years. Hasn’t it? Every time I look at the calendar and think ‘It must be nearly March’ I see it’s still BLOODY JANUARY and we have the whole of February to navigate our way through first. Gah. I hate January.

Anyway, we’re up to Episode 5 in this fourth series of One Born and tonight’s episode features the return of an old face and lots of sadness before – hopefully – lots of plinky plonky birth music and happiness. Please let there be happy birth music and healthy babies or I’ll Hulk-out and run down my road screaming WHEN WILL THIS INFERNAL, MISERABLE MONTH END???

I really don’t want to do that.

21.00 Tonight’s course reading done – this week we’ve been asked to dip our toe into the murky waters of popular psychology and I’m reading How the Mind Works by Steven Pinker – and I’m ready for some childbirth action in HD. Booyeah.

21.02 For a millisecond, when the midwife places the twins in the cot in the title sequence, I want more babies. Then I remember that they become argumentative and shouty when they stop being babies and I come to my senses.

21.07 She went on a bear hunt. Presumably, to catch a big one. I hope it was a beautiful day and that she wasn’t scared.

21.08 Bedfordshire is the land that time forgot, not Alaska. Easy mistake to make.

21.09 OH MY GOD SOME MOTHERS ARE VERY OVER-INVOLVED AREN’T THEY? I would actually kill in that situation. I mean, my Mum and Dad are great and all but by god, you need some distance and perspective on your relationship. Otherwise it’s weird. I’d be like GET OUT MY FACE, PEOPLE. I’M GIVING BIRTH HERE.

21.11 Oooh, Mother goes a bit passo-aggo about being told to leave. *makes screechy knife noises* I’m feeling stifled and I’m 200 miles away.

21.16 Although the daughter isn’t helping by encouraging it.

21.17 OH GOD DON’T WE ALL LOVE A JOKER IN THE DELIVERY SUITE? People like him are great to be in an office with.

21.19 Oh he’s quite lovely really.

(I don’t comment on other people’s tragedies. Not appropriate. Not my place)

21.32 (I really like this guy, he’s so sweet and kind and like puzzle books)



21.38 Just BACK OFF woman. Jesus Christ.

21.40 Manipulative mothers. Urgh. This is going to end up in counselling, recriminations, no contact and lots of bad feeling on all sides.

21.46 Sometimes I feel sad that I won’t have another little girl. Now is one of those times. 😦

21.57 God, I think I might slightly love him. He’s brilliant.

21.59 Oh, Ava. I love the name Ava. I love a happy ending and she is so beautiful. I’m FINE. HONESTLY. FINE.

22.01 That was the first episode this series that made me wobbly-eyed. Plus, girls. I love baby girls. I mean, boys are great but little baby girls are gorgeous, until they’re five and telling you that you’re old and forget things and that they’d rather daddy was here than you because they MISS HIM. That’s the trouble with girls. They always prefer their fathers. Gah.

22.02 Fifty Shades of Grey has an awful lot to answer for. I wonder how many of next week’s babies were conceived as a result of an evening in the red room of pain swinging from the rafters? On that note, I’m off to bed.


One Born Every Minute liveblog 1/2/2012

Roll up! Roll up! It’s One Born Every Minute day. The children are in bed, Dh is working the late shift and I’ll be on the sofa with my laptop at 9pm after I’ve done day 24 of the 30 Day Shred. I won’t be phoning it in. I won’t be sending myself a false message of lethargy. I’ll be pushing myself to get the results I want and deserve….hang on a second! I’ve been drugged by the Jillian Michaels bots again. Sorry about that. One Born. Babies. 9pm.

Laterz…I need to find my trainers…

20.55 Shred? Done. Swearing at three toned women? Done. Now watching ruffly-haired well-spoken boys cooking pies for not-very-poor-looking-students. BRING ON THE BABIES!

21.01 I love the strong language warning before the programme starts. Women are supposed to be meek and silent during birth aren’t they? Or is that the Scientologists? I get confused. You’re basically pushing a watermelon through the eye of a needle. Of course you’re going to do some swears!

21.03 There should be a rent a newborn baby scheme for people that don’t actually want one, but want to cuddle and squidge one for half an hour. Then give it back. I’d like to sign up to that scheme.

21.06 I envy women that don’t have any stretchmarks. Four years on my stomach looks like a relief map of Jabba The Hutt’s arse.

21.07 The mere mention of the word ‘speculum’ makes my bits hurt. I get the NHS equivalent of ‘Nam flashbacks 😦

21.10 I find the use of the phrase ‘Catch on’ really odd. Is it regional? For some reason it reminds me of crocheting.

21.11 I wore my sick bucket as a hat too. I was whacked out on morphine at the time though. It was hilarious. (it wasn’t hilarious). Oh maybe it was methadone (bless them)? That might explain the ‘twistin’ my melon man’ dreams I had that night.

21.19 I like the idea of birthing rules. I would have had ‘stay at the head end’ and ‘go and buy me Grazia. Now.’

21.22 Two fingers and a hook. They ARE doing crochet!

21.24 I have long fingers. I could be a midwife! It’s a shame I have no patience and fundamentally dislike 95% of people I meet, otherwise I’d be brilliant at it.

21.34 On a side note, I am practically hyperventilating with excitement that Big Fat Gypsy Weddings is starting again soon.

21.35 In another life Jess would be the 6th member of The Saturdays. She could probably deputise for Una while she has her Foden-baby. See? I’m down with the kids. Tangentially, the Healy-Foden baby is going to be gorgeous.

21.43 Where’s the father of Jess’ child now? On his phone having a fag, probably. I sound like a broken record but if you were there for the procreation you should be there for the birth. All of it.

21.45 ‘Too scared’?? TOO SCARED? Jesus fecking christ. He’s a keeper isn’t he? ‘Cept she’s done the sensible thing and has already binned him. Twat.

21.48 I had no idea that they couldn’t do a vaginal examination if the woman refused. I assumed that medical intervention would always supercede the wishes of the individual, but clearly not in childbirth.

21.53 I didn’t have her down as a scuba diver. Funny how you get an impression of someone and it isn’t quite right.

21.56 *The sound of wombs twanging at the sight of baby Lucy*

21.59 He has a heart after all. Rikeya. What a cutie. Oooh. Hang on. It all went a bit Jeremy Kyle there. Blimey.

22.00 How old is Georgia? 14? Oh my goodness.

There haven’t been any multiple births in this series yet. I’d really like them to show us a straightforward twin birth. They’ve only shown ones with complications before and most twin births aren’t like that.