One Born Every Minute liveblog 23/1/2013

Back once again with the ill behavior, it’s One Born liveblog time again. Episode 4 promises two sets of young parents to be with a focus on the dads this week.

I haven’t watched any more Downton. I can’t. I just can’t do it to myself. R and G are 11 days into a complete TV ban (they *might* get their TV privileges back on Friday) to see if they can learn to play better by themselves without input/crowd control by Dh and/or I every five minutes. Dh and I always play nicely together so we’re allowed to watch the highlights of the Tour Down Under on V+ when the girls are in bed.

I have submitted the Fresher’s module to start my course and I start the first module proper – cognitive psychology – next week. The core book for the course arrived today. I’m thinking of popping it under my pillow so the information seeps into my brain while I sleep. What? It worked when I was doing my A-Levels. Except the Law one where the notes clearly slipped under the bed in the night and I forgot everything. Luckily I’m fine about it. Fine. It was 15 years ago after all.

Anyway, liveblog. Later. *mainlines kitkat chunky*

20.59 Oof. Just as the TdU highlights got exciting I realised it was One Born time. Boy, that Kit Kat was gooooood.

21.04 Is this part of the ‘Northern people are odd’ section? As a Southerner, I’m all lovehearts and fluffy wickle bunnies.

21.08 Loads of boys this series. Is nature balancing out the baby boom of girls born in 2007-8?

21.16 If Cristiano Ronaldo and Juan Pablo Montoya had a child, it would be this lad. With a handycam.

21.18 If they don’t express affection HOW DID THEY MANAGE TO CONCEIVE A CHILD? Was the deed done doggy style, watching Match of the Day, no cuddling afterwards?

21.20 I love the name Maud. And Elspeth. And Celia. Very Mitford-esque. I’m not a Hon. I’m a pleb though 😦

21.21 Would they have called a girl Tia Maria? Pina Colada? Vodka Martini?

21.22 If he were a creature comforts claymatian, what animal would he be? I say sloth.

21.23 The Mexican girl reminds me of someone and it’s taken me 20 minutes to work it out. She looks like a complete cowbag that I used to work with. This one seems lovely though.

21.27 No dads are cool. It’s dad law. Your child gets to a certain age and you become the most embarrassing person on the planet. Trying to be with it and cool is actually worse than being weird. I fully aim to be both.

21.38 Fuck the birth plan. Babies tend to make their own decisions. It sets you up for parenthood.

21.45 Oh you SO don’t want a picture from that angle.

21.47 So the other day I met a family who’d done the thing I always wondered about. They had twins and had a third child a couple of years later. The dad really didn’t want another child. The mum did. The twins were Gina Ford-ed to within an inch of their lives, c-section, only breastfed for a few weeks. The third child was a natural birth, co-slept forever, bf-d until he was 17 months old… she said she wanted to have a singleton to see what it was like and to bond with him in a way that she couldn’t with the twins. I admired her for doing it    but I’m so glad we didn’t act on my urges a couple of years ago (It’s academic anyway but you know what I mean). We were meant to stop after R and G.

21.52 He’s a pretty cool dad.

21.56 The words ‘You need a little cut’ make my bits curl up and go a bit shrivelly. Ouchy.

21.58 I love it when grown men cry. Honestly. Especially the ones that don’t look like the would cry at anything, ever.

22.00 It’s very kind of Channel 4 to offer us the chance to watch more birthing videos but I’m ok, thanks. My need to see people shit, bleed and squezze babies out of their chuffs is sated after an hour of One Born, but thanks anyway.

22.02 In any case, I need bigger thrills these days. I need multiple births, twins, triplets, give me some FREAKING QUADS! I want people on their eleventh child, I want planned sections, I want bovine women, I want freaked out men. I’m a One Born junkie and I can’t control myself.

22.05 I can control myself. Until next week, comrades. *salutes*

One Born Every Minute liveblog 18/1/2013

I have gone into partial social media hibernation. Facebook? Meh. Twitter? CBA. Meeting up with actual real people in actual real life? Not so fussed. Tonight’s One Born liveblog is basically me sticking my nose out of my cave for an hour, sniffing, realising it’s not Spring yet and crawling back under my blanket for a snooze for the rest of the week.

My psychology course starts on the 28th so I’m getting to grips with Virtual Learning Environments and not having actual books to learn from. I last studied 7 years ago and used to love getting a stack of course materials through the post. Things have changed in academia since then…

In my last few evenings of freedom I’m really making the most of things and…cross-stitching and watching Downton Abbey. Look, I’m late to the party here. Until now I have been a DA denier. A refuser. My friend gave me her series 1 boxset to watch ages ago and last night curiosity got the better of me. I watched the first two episodes.

It’s a load of old toot isn’t it? Posh people being haughty and unreasonable. Servants doing and saying entirely predictable ever so ‘umble things. Dreadful middle class people with JOBS and IDEAS ABOVE THEIR STATIONS. Almost-but-not-quite incidents with food. It made me want to watch Acorn Antiques in its entirety again. I’m yearning for a French and Saunders send-up of the bloody thing. I know I’ll end up watching all of it though. This is why I need to study. I need saving from myself, quite honestly.

Oh where was I? Liveblog. Got carried away there. Tonight’s episode focuses on two extremely strong-willed first time mums. Bless them and all who sail out of them. See you back here at 9pm. I’m off to don a fox fur stole and march around the house looking haughty and muttering about dowries.

20.58pm Baaaack! Tonight episode of retro-Downton involved a man who they thought would be really brown but wasn’t and then died and a typewriter and a maid getting ideas above her station. The least said about the limp-correcting device the better.

21.01 Love the Latvian-Leeds hybrid accent. I’m terribly distracted by the massive silver stud below her lip. Is there such a thing as a chin stud?

21.05 I keep expecting Caroline Aherne to appear.

21.07 Dh makes origami swans. I should hire him out to children’s parties. He can juggle as well. He’s basically wasting his life as a train driver.

21.08 Patterned leggings. I don’t understand this aztec-patterned leggings thing. It makes your legs look rubbish. Is this fashion now?

21.11 I know nothing about egg donating. I was told to get on with having babies because, due to my dodgy equipment, if I left it into my thirties I might not be able to have them at all. Is there a way of finding out  if my eggs are actually a load of old shite now or if they are still ok? Obviously we’re not having any more but what if I could help someone else? Although the spawn would end up looking a bit like me which I DO NOT RECOMMEND. Honestly, R and G have dodged so many bullets looks-wise.

21.18 What a KNOBHOLE. If you spread yo’ seed y’all need’ta take reSPONsiBILITY. Y’hear? MmmHmm.

21.25 I was promised demanding ladies. These ladies are not demanding. They’re more like:  I want so and so. Oh, I can’t have it. Why? Oh thank you for your explanation. That makes perfect sense. I’m happy to do as you say. WHERE ARE THE BATTLEAXES?

21.27 Oh hang on. We’re assessing delivery rooms like some people assess hotel rooms. Fuck the birthing chair woman! You won’t give two tiny shits when you’re on all fours, pooing your breakfast out and covered in blood. WARRIORS GIVE BIRTH IN CAVES!

21.29 I reckon there’s a pea under the mattress.

21.33 Keep seeing adverts from supermarkets about using leftovers. 1. I didn’t realise there was a war on 2. Surely you don’t need recipes to learn how to make stews, stir-frys and sandwiches. Honestly. People today. *shifts bosom, sucks air through teeth*

21.36 I tell you story of my life.

21.40 Um *raises hand* is it ok to want a baby so you won’t be lonely any more? Surely a dog would be better? Or a hamster?

21.46 I want to hold a newborn baby. Can someone arrange for me to do this please?

21.52 I reckon an assisted delivery in theatre.

21.57 I was half right. They used the serving spoons in the delivery room. Ouch. Lovely baby, but ouch. Proper ouchy.

21.58 For one moment I thought that was going to be a bad follow up. I’m relieved it’s a nice one 🙂

21.59 I can’t wait until the comedian next week. I CAN’T WAIT. *claps hands* WHEN ARE THE TWINS ON? I NEEDS ME SOME TWIN BIRTH ACTION.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 25/1/2012

Wednesday. One Born Day. Episode 4. You know the drill. Hit it.

<insert plinky plonky birthing music here>

See you back here at 9pm. You know you wanna, girlfriend.

20.55 I think tonight’s episode is going to make me cry. In fact, it’ll make everyone cry. Therefore I must do some *seriousface* AND NOT MOCK THE ACCENTS. Bay-beh. Loovleh. Sorreh. *ahem* *seriousface*

21.10 Sometimes I want to liveblog and be funny. Sometimes I don’t. This is one of those times.

21.11However… FIFTH BABY! 27! OMFG!!! Does it get boring after the 3rd or 4th one? Does the magic fade?

21.12 How do they find time in the day/night to have sex?

21.13 OK, <hulks out> having girls is fucking brilliant how DARE they suggest disappointment at possibly having a girl? I don’t give TWO SHITS about that stupid man ‘must have a boy’ thing. Having a healthy baby, of either sex, is surely the main objective here? GRRRRRR.

21.14 I really want them to have a girl now. A girl that likes Disney princesses. So ner.

21.15 I absolutely adore the first couple. They radiate love and affection. Their baby is going to be so lucky. Yes, I’ve already got moist-eyed about them…

21.19 I wonder how many times Tricia was advised to have a c-section during her pregnancy? There’s no medical reason for that, but consultants tend to take the least ‘risky’ path.

21.22 I feel so sad every time she asks someone if the baby will be taken away from her. I imagine there’s a support plan for the family in place from the local authority – should they want it.

21.24 It’s ok ladies – he’s had a vasectomy…

21.28 Oh…just…oh…

21.29 I wish this whole hour was focussed on Tricia and Steve.

21.39 At least you know this is your last one. Plus, when you’re 45 the youngest will be 18 and there’s life after children! (I hope this is true…tell me it’s true? Humour me)

21.42 The only man that can carry off a vest is Wolverine. True dat.

21.45 Baby born. That was quick. She said she laboured quickly but flipping heck. IT’S A GIRL! YEEEEEEEEES! *victory dance* Isabel is a very pretty name.Girls rock. The brother will cope.

21.51 Sorry, Isabella. V pretty name. Although personally I prefer Isobel, even though she was my first ever manager and had PMT 364 days a year. The other day she was lovely though.

21.54 The mere sight of a pair of forceps makes me wince. Ow. Ow. Owwww.

22.00 I can’t write. There’s something in my eye. Both eyes. Elizabeth. Oh. Warm fuzzy feelings of hope and loveliness.

22.01 Having seen the preview of next week’s programme, I’m now feeling depressed again.

I think C4 could have justified focussing on one birth this week. Tricia and Steve’s story was so lovely that the other couple got a bit overlooked. Next week’s episode looks fun though…. 😉