One Born Every Minute liveblog 21/3/2012

Episode 12 of One Born and there’s a televisual clash! Och Nooo! It’s the first episode of the new series of The Apprentice on t’other side and I LOVE the Apprentice. However, I can probably live without seeing corporate twats making…welll, twats of themselves for a week or two. Plus I’m supposed to be RESTING. There are only so many fecking 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzles I can do.

I’m not sure that women giving birth will be relaxing, exactly but it’s less likely to make my blood boil than LordSurAlan and his merry band of 16 dem fules. I keep nodding off over my laptop (and jigsaw puzzles) so I can’t promise it will be the most lively of liveblogs (when is it ever?) but I’m a completist.

See you back here at 9pm. Bring steak, spinach and dark chocolate.

20.59 I have eaten spinach. It was horrible. I have now consulted the hivemind and have been recommended lots of different things to do with it. No-one advocated ‘killing it with a brick’. Oh well. Anyway. Babies!

21.04 Dh and I have just joined in with the chair discussion. You can never have enough chairs, especially for the ballet coffee morning. I’m so middle-class that I may vomit. I have even worked out that we actually BENEFIT from today’s budget. My inner 17 year old hates me.

21.07 I had the empty uterus dream the night before my 12 week scan. At that point my uterus was the polar OPPOSITE of empty…

21.09 Ah. The old protein in urine test. Very difficult to wee into a tub when your enormous bump obscures everything south of your enormous swollen breasts. I once scooped up a load of my wee water in a cup from the toilet bowl after I failed to hit the bullseye. Nice.

21.13 All consultants should wear bow ties. It should be mandatory.

21.14 2lb10oz is diddy, even for a 30-weeker. Poor little Cody 😦

21.21 Some 16 year olds seem more ready to have babies than others. They seem pretty mature for their age. When I was 16 I was very very cross with the world and kicked around in big jumpers and DM’s. No way was I ready for a baby then.

21.26 ‘Nice normal names’ ‘Not strange names’. I like these people. They are talkin’ mah language.

21.27 It’s just occurred to me that 16 year old Billie might be named after Billie Piper, which makes me feel ancient.

21.40 Sorry. My concentration is shot at the moment and I keep drifting off. *slaps self* This is no reflection on this episode, which is really interesting and as entertaining as usual.

21.43 I find the ‘baby not planned’ statement really interesting as surely with the contraceptive methods available an actual ‘accident’ is pretty unlikely isn’t it? You may not be actually ‘trying’ for a baby but if you have sex and don’t wear a condom or don’t take the pill for a day or two you are accepting the risk of getting pregnant. Surely ‘not actively trying to get pregnant’ is more likely?

21.54 If a midwife said ‘You’re the only one that can do this’ to me I would find it very difficult not to scream I EFFING KNOW THAT at them. It’s not like you can hire a monkey butler is it?

21.59 They should do recaps every week. I’d really like to see more recaps with couples and babies from previous series, starting with Janet and Ralph from Series 2 Episode 1 and Fabio and Joy from Series 1*. Get to it, Channel 4!

*I’m aware that I’m a little bit addicted to this programme.

22.01 TWINS! NEXT WEEK! TWINS *hyperventilates*

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One Born Every Minute liveblog 15/2/2012

It’s TWINS this week on One Born. Multiple births on television tend to fall into two categories:

1. Something VERY VERY BAD happens and all of us twin parents that have happy healthy twins feel sad and guilty for ever shouting at them.

2. A poor hapless woman has triplets…quads…sextuplets and the voiceover yells LOOK AT HOW HARD THIS IS! LOOK!

Oh! Speaking of shouty voiceovers (which One Born thankfully doesn’t have. Imagine if it was done by the sarcastic guy from Come Dine with Me. It might go a bit like this: ‘Oooh a lickle bit of pain YOU MASSIVE CHAV?!’) there is a third type of multiple birth depicted on television:

3. ROLL UP! ROLL UP! The LOOK! LOOK AT THE FREAKS THAT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME! LETS GET THE SCIENCE BEHIND MULTIPLE PREGNANCIES TOTALLY WRONG AND PAINT AT THE FREAKS! These programmes always include a lady of advancing years tutting while two or three identically dressed children wreak havoc in a supermarket. Always.

I think I might find tonight’s programme….cathartic. There’s probably another birth story as well but lets face it, I’m probably going to talk about the twin birth whilst mainlining Hotel Chocolat kirsch cherries and wearing my stained ‘Been there, done that’ t-shirt.

See you back here just before 9pm!

20.56 Posh pie boys have been replaced by hapless men attempting to work in a nursery. Relieved that Dh is a hands-on dad. Think some of the blokes on here were actually born in the 1930s. Bizarre.

21.03 That must be so weird. One of your colleagues is going to see you panting, swearing, screaming, pooing, weeing and totally naked.Oh and blood. Lots of blood. And a baby.

21.06 Is it me, or have they put her in a really, really nice delivery suite? Midwife perk?

21.07 TWINS! Girl and a boy! Older children as well. Brave, but live-in babysitters I guess.

21.08 10 years younger! Well played girlie!

21.09 She’s teeny tiny. No wonder one of the babies is a bit small. No room in there! Ah. I remember the double heartbeat monitor. I was monitored so much towards the end of my pregnancy that the Unit gave me some yellow straps to bring in with me. Probably still got them somewhere.

21.11 The whole birthing Twin 2 thing really freaked me out. R solved the conundrum for me by taking up residence across my stomach which  = c section. I imagine she did this to irritate G and give her much less room to manoerve. It would also explain my amazing moving stomach as they punched and kicked each other :/ I tried to explain this to R and G today and showed them the picture of my heavily pregnant stomach. I get the impression they think that I’m lying and that they just appeared, fully formed as walking, talking children.

21.15 Love the description of the incubator as a massive toaster.

21.19 Bang goes the birth plan. My birth plan was a big, blank page. If I’d thought about it I would’ve put a huge black question mark in the middle of the page, surrounded by smaller question marks and the following sentence at the very bottom of the page: ‘I want to healthy babies and I don’t care how much shit I have to go through to get them. Let them have the easy ride. I’ll take the hit’.

21.26 It’s really interesting that midwives with bags of experience can really lose it when going through childbirth themselves. It’s one of those situations where you can know all of the theory and help other people go through it but it’s totally different when it’s your body and your pain.

21.28 The thought of anyone manually moving R without her express prior permission is utterly unthinkable. She wouldn’t have stood for it. They were both cross enough when they were forcibly evicted through the sunroof.

21.30 I have re-thought my birth plan. I would just have written, in big red letters GIVE ME THE DRUGS.

21.37 ‘It’s a small baby…you’ve done this twice before… (I think that was a polite way of saying ‘So you’ve got some stretch down there’)

21.38 Mmmmm. Diamorphine. *air punch* (it made me blissed out but also very vommy)

21.42 IT’S A BABY’S HEAD! <plinky plonky birth music> I love a cross newborn baby. Newborn babies are so scrunchy and angry.

21.47 Twin 2 is always the pesky twin. Follows through into childhood as well.

21.49 The thing about twin births is the 54 people you have to have in the room with you, all looking at your nethers.

21.50 THE WISE OLD ELF IS DELIVERING TWIN 2! (Ben and Holly fans will understand this update)

21.52 All together now. Aaaaaaaaah.

21.53 4lb2oz and 4lb13oz. Tiddly but lovely. However, in twin birth Top Trumps, I win with 6lb5oz and 6lb7oz. Yay me. *hi-5’s self*

21.56 I love watching Dh watch the heads pop out. Flinches every time.

21.59 See? Even that Dad cried and he’s not a crier.We were fretting about the swelled head on Rose from our sofa. Guess that’s where she rotated in the birth canal? She seemed fine afterwards.

Aw, well that was just lovely. A nice twin birth and a nice singleton birth with very little drama this week. Shows that not all twin births are awful nightmares and that midwives go to pieces during their own labour and are therefore human after all…

Next week: I always hope that men who really want sons get daughters to teach them a lesson. On that note I bid you good night!