One Born Every Minute liveblog 20/2/2013

Boom! After seven weeks of singleton babies finally…FINALLY…we have a twin birth to look forward to tonight. Woo and, indeed, hoo.

Half-term here and we’re tag-teaming it. One works, one does R and G stuff. Tag, swap and repeat. So far the girls have been to a birthday party (of course!), the funfair, a playdate, the zoo, the park and a museum. Plans for the rest of the week are likely to involve a ride in the cable car, lunch out somewhere and another birthday party. Honestly, they do more in a week than most people do in an entire year.

Between all of this they’re drawing, making, writing, reading and demanding to play the Yes-No game at every opportunity. They have no concept of downtime or chilling. They’re go go go go sleep. Go go go go sleep. They do everything at 100 miles an hour at ear-splitting volume. It’s knackering. Wonderful, but knackering.

Still, I’d rather have that than two clingy, drippy, wet children with no personality or oomph. You know, the type that cry at birthday parties or if their parents leave their sight for a second, hate social occasions, freak out at children’s entertainers and wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

I’m still convinced there was a mix-up at the hospital five and a bit years ago.

With that in mind, I’ll be back at 9pm wittering on to myself as usual. Funz.


21.01 With my coursework (speech perception this week) and Candy Crush, it’s amazing I’m here at all. BRING ON THE TWINS!

21.04 Oh the swelling. I had feet like a hobbit. Slightly less hairy. They aren’t old parents around here. 39 and 41 is entirely normal. We’re the abnormal, young parents.

21.06 Ruth used to smack the pads. made a heck of a racket.

21.08 Sex education videos are meant to put you off having babies, not the other way round. Fail.

21.10 Twin pregnancy is not sexy at all. Some women really blossom and glow when they’re pregnant. I looked like a sack of shit. Well, slightly more than usual.

21.12 I liked knowing it was all planned and happening on a certain date. Took some of the pressure off, weirdly.

22.16 He’d get on with Ralph from series 2. They could have a three-way stat-off with Richard Osman from Pointless.

21.20. I hear ya, sista. C-section isn’t the easy option. Weirdly, I miss being monitored. It’s been more than five years. I should be over it by now.

21.23 ALL dads are embarrassing. It’s the law. Dad law.

21.35 I think her approach is extremely sensible. I intend to vet all of the girls’ dates. With a 50 page questionnaire.

21.37 I had blocked the memory of the tights out. Until now.

21.38 I have just wailed I MISS THEM BEING SMALL and had to mentally slap myself.

21.40 Or you bleed for ten weeks if you’re me. Urgh.

21.43 Oh, I’m finding this quite hard to watch. The operating theatre. The long walk to theatre wearing a hospital gown and a pair of tights. Making jokes and smiling whilst wishing you could run away. Oof.

21.51 Just realised that most dads go over and see the babies in theatre. Dh didn’t leave my side and the girls were brought over to him, one by one, Ruth first.

21.53 The girls would be brilliant big sisters. In a way it’s a shame they won’t get to experience it, but what’s done is done.

21.59 Having a baby is a decision you make with your heart and your gut. It’s not a rational decision. I don’t think it is, (or should be) anyway.

22.04 Anyway….back to cognitive psychology and singleton babies next week. See? Twin c-sections can be lovely. Told you.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 13/2/2013

So we’re halfway through Series 4 of One Born and tonight’s episode promises…well, it’s bumps, blood, bums, boobs and babies isn’t it? It’s hardly Portland Babies, where’s it’s all floaty and fabulous Isabella Oliver, the consultants all look like Hugh Jackman and there’s a wine menu and foie gras for breakfast. The dad that’s sort-of involved but won’t be at the birth is already pushing my over-active Jeremy Kyle anger-button so I should have worked up a good head of steam by 9pm.

Meanwhile I’m doing battle with perception in cognitive psychology this week. I have just got back from R and G’s parents’ evening with a warm glow in my heart and a spring in my step (maybe we’re not so shit at this parenting lark after all) and it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, so Dh has been furtively hiding things and being odd. Well, only slightly more than usual.

As Sherlock said in A Scandal in Belgravia whilst at The Palace in the buff: LATERZ!

20.57 OCD cleaners *boak*

21.04 Jonathan has EXCELLENT hair.

21.05 I’m amazed that some girls get pregnant at all when they don’t know which hole does what, how things expand, etc. having said that, I thought I could wear knickers during my c-section so I’m hardly one to judge.

21.07 Facebook has a lot to answer for. He’s the hairy baby maker cf. Father Ted, Speed 3.

21.10 listening to the ‘gallop’ is so comforting. I got really addicted to being monitored and used to count down the days/hours/minutes until I could hear R and G on the machines.

21.18 I like these people. I like plans. Poor Dh. He was planned to death. Me: “I’M OVULATING WE ARE HAVING AN EARLY NIGHT” Dh (scared) ‘Oh-Kay’. It prepared him for life with twin girls. Now they order him about too.

21.23 mind you, he was only subjected to two months of me ordering him to bed. I think he would have liked it for a bit longer but THE PLAN worked. mwahahahaha

21.24 Kyle-alert activated. Why isn’t the baby’s dad at the birth if he wants to be involved and supportive? I do not compute this. It makes no sense to me. I’m sure there are plenty of women that don’t want to be at the birth of their own child, either.

21.30 I don’t want to become a grandma. Not until R and G are at least 27, anyway.

21.41 ‘Ooh she is ginger’ Esmay. Not Esme. Esmay. Twilight has a lot to answer for.

21.47 it’s a good job that midwives are good at navigating women’s bodies as they’re evidently shit at geography.

21.52 OMG the giving birth over the phone advice is amazing.

21.54 Similar level of pain in waxing and giving birth, I would imagine BECAUSE I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT EITHER.

21.59 YEEEEEEEES! TWINS NEXT WEEK!!! Yeah! Look at the bump on THAT.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 6/2/2013

Tonight’s episode is the one where they reference Fifty Shades of Grey and the baby boom it has apparently inspired. I was more ‘inspired’ last Summer by the Olympics and Paralympics and the sexy sporty achievements therein, but I’m strange like that. In any case, there’s a limit to the number of times DH will agree to pretend to be a member of the British cycling team for my amusement.*

*he hasn’t actually done this. Yet.

So, sexy times equals babies conceived in lifts, car parks, this way, that way, yadda yadda…. Funtimes!

20.58 Terribly distracted by Joe Hart and his sexy footballist saving skills. Phwoar.

21.00 “There are scenes of surgery”. I love scenes of surgery! That was me, once, five and a bit years ago. Yeah!

21.03 Also, I love students sitting in. I met a lot of student doctors and midwives during my pregnancy. There were about ten of them in theatre when I gave birth. Apparently they all wanted to see what a straightforward c-section twin birth was like. Relatively rare, apparently. I can’t imagine why anyone would refuse a medical student the chance to learn…actually I can think of one or two people I know that would object. They’re *those* people.

21.09 There’s been no mention of Fifty Shades yet. Thankfully.

21.11 just flicked over to the football. Joe Hart still excellent at being a goalkeeperist. Lovely.


21.14 one Fifty Shades bomb dropped.

21.16 I was really chilled before my c-section. Completely unusual for me. Mine was delayed by a couple of hours and I lounged around like a beached whale doing crossword puzzles and reading the paper. I figured it’d be the last time I’d get to do that in peace for…oooh…about 18 years.

21.18 Her chimp his telling her she can’t do it. I’m not referring to her partner, I’m referring to the irrational bit of the brain that chats loudly at you and tells you you can’t do stuff.

21.20 I encountered loads of women like her in waiting rooms. Waiting more than ten minutes to see a doctor at a routine appointment compelled them and their entourages to harangue the receptionists – to no real effect – in increasingly loud voices. I think they were fretting about missing Jeremy Kyle on ITV2

21.22 I know! Lets let an emergency c section baby DIE so they can squeeze you in. I mean, obviously you are SO much more important that them aren’t you? YOU KNOBS.

21.24 This is the first time, ever, that I have wanted to turn One Born off.

21.25 Meanwhile, the other two have kept calm, carried on and had a baby. Minimal fuss. No histrionics.

21.27 Scared of giving birth? Here’s an idea. Have protected sex? Or no sex? Just a thought.

21.33 oh thank goodness. The last half an hour won’t focus on impatient lady. Right, I understand that pregnancy, birth etc is stressful. Believe me, I’ve been there. I get it. There’s a lot to be said for Grace under pressure though.

21.40 I can’t think of anything nice to say so I’m saying nothing.

21.41 Repeat after me: intervention is not a failure. Intervention is not a failure.

21.43 It takes longer to recover from a GA, not in terms of the wound and stitches, but the after-effects of a GA are worse (in my experience anyway. I’m always so sick after GAs.)

21.45 ok, experience tells us that the baby is probably going to be fine but THAT’S A REALLY BAD TIME FOR AN AD BREAK CHANNEL 4.

21.52 putting in my weekly ‘If some bounder knocked one of my two up and wasn’t around or involved I would HUNT HIM DOWN” here.

21.57 Baby girl is fine, thank goodness. Also, irritating mum is now being nice so I feel bad for being mean. Pregnancy and childbirth is HARD, however you do it.

21.59 Still no twins next week, judging by the preview. Bet they’re saving them for the last episode, like dancing squirrels in the news.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 30/1/2013

HATE January. It has gone on for 54 years. Hasn’t it? Every time I look at the calendar and think ‘It must be nearly March’ I see it’s still BLOODY JANUARY and we have the whole of February to navigate our way through first. Gah. I hate January.

Anyway, we’re up to Episode 5 in this fourth series of One Born and tonight’s episode features the return of an old face and lots of sadness before – hopefully – lots of plinky plonky birth music and happiness. Please let there be happy birth music and healthy babies or I’ll Hulk-out and run down my road screaming WHEN WILL THIS INFERNAL, MISERABLE MONTH END???

I really don’t want to do that.

21.00 Tonight’s course reading done – this week we’ve been asked to dip our toe into the murky waters of popular psychology and I’m reading How the Mind Works by Steven Pinker – and I’m ready for some childbirth action in HD. Booyeah.

21.02 For a millisecond, when the midwife places the twins in the cot in the title sequence, I want more babies. Then I remember that they become argumentative and shouty when they stop being babies and I come to my senses.

21.07 She went on a bear hunt. Presumably, to catch a big one. I hope it was a beautiful day and that she wasn’t scared.

21.08 Bedfordshire is the land that time forgot, not Alaska. Easy mistake to make.

21.09 OH MY GOD SOME MOTHERS ARE VERY OVER-INVOLVED AREN’T THEY? I would actually kill in that situation. I mean, my Mum and Dad are great and all but by god, you need some distance and perspective on your relationship. Otherwise it’s weird. I’d be like GET OUT MY FACE, PEOPLE. I’M GIVING BIRTH HERE.

21.11 Oooh, Mother goes a bit passo-aggo about being told to leave. *makes screechy knife noises* I’m feeling stifled and I’m 200 miles away.

21.16 Although the daughter isn’t helping by encouraging it.

21.17 OH GOD DON’T WE ALL LOVE A JOKER IN THE DELIVERY SUITE? People like him are great to be in an office with.

21.19 Oh he’s quite lovely really.

(I don’t comment on other people’s tragedies. Not appropriate. Not my place)

21.32 (I really like this guy, he’s so sweet and kind and like puzzle books)



21.38 Just BACK OFF woman. Jesus Christ.

21.40 Manipulative mothers. Urgh. This is going to end up in counselling, recriminations, no contact and lots of bad feeling on all sides.

21.46 Sometimes I feel sad that I won’t have another little girl. Now is one of those times. 😦

21.57 God, I think I might slightly love him. He’s brilliant.

21.59 Oh, Ava. I love the name Ava. I love a happy ending and she is so beautiful. I’m FINE. HONESTLY. FINE.

22.01 That was the first episode this series that made me wobbly-eyed. Plus, girls. I love baby girls. I mean, boys are great but little baby girls are gorgeous, until they’re five and telling you that you’re old and forget things and that they’d rather daddy was here than you because they MISS HIM. That’s the trouble with girls. They always prefer their fathers. Gah.

22.02 Fifty Shades of Grey has an awful lot to answer for. I wonder how many of next week’s babies were conceived as a result of an evening in the red room of pain swinging from the rafters? On that note, I’m off to bed.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 23/1/2013

Back once again with the ill behavior, it’s One Born liveblog time again. Episode 4 promises two sets of young parents to be with a focus on the dads this week.

I haven’t watched any more Downton. I can’t. I just can’t do it to myself. R and G are 11 days into a complete TV ban (they *might* get their TV privileges back on Friday) to see if they can learn to play better by themselves without input/crowd control by Dh and/or I every five minutes. Dh and I always play nicely together so we’re allowed to watch the highlights of the Tour Down Under on V+ when the girls are in bed.

I have submitted the Fresher’s module to start my course and I start the first module proper – cognitive psychology – next week. The core book for the course arrived today. I’m thinking of popping it under my pillow so the information seeps into my brain while I sleep. What? It worked when I was doing my A-Levels. Except the Law one where the notes clearly slipped under the bed in the night and I forgot everything. Luckily I’m fine about it. Fine. It was 15 years ago after all.

Anyway, liveblog. Later. *mainlines kitkat chunky*

20.59 Oof. Just as the TdU highlights got exciting I realised it was One Born time. Boy, that Kit Kat was gooooood.

21.04 Is this part of the ‘Northern people are odd’ section? As a Southerner, I’m all lovehearts and fluffy wickle bunnies.

21.08 Loads of boys this series. Is nature balancing out the baby boom of girls born in 2007-8?

21.16 If Cristiano Ronaldo and Juan Pablo Montoya had a child, it would be this lad. With a handycam.

21.18 If they don’t express affection HOW DID THEY MANAGE TO CONCEIVE A CHILD? Was the deed done doggy style, watching Match of the Day, no cuddling afterwards?

21.20 I love the name Maud. And Elspeth. And Celia. Very Mitford-esque. I’m not a Hon. I’m a pleb though 😦

21.21 Would they have called a girl Tia Maria? Pina Colada? Vodka Martini?

21.22 If he were a creature comforts claymatian, what animal would he be? I say sloth.

21.23 The Mexican girl reminds me of someone and it’s taken me 20 minutes to work it out. She looks like a complete cowbag that I used to work with. This one seems lovely though.

21.27 No dads are cool. It’s dad law. Your child gets to a certain age and you become the most embarrassing person on the planet. Trying to be with it and cool is actually worse than being weird. I fully aim to be both.

21.38 Fuck the birth plan. Babies tend to make their own decisions. It sets you up for parenthood.

21.45 Oh you SO don’t want a picture from that angle.

21.47 So the other day I met a family who’d done the thing I always wondered about. They had twins and had a third child a couple of years later. The dad really didn’t want another child. The mum did. The twins were Gina Ford-ed to within an inch of their lives, c-section, only breastfed for a few weeks. The third child was a natural birth, co-slept forever, bf-d until he was 17 months old… she said she wanted to have a singleton to see what it was like and to bond with him in a way that she couldn’t with the twins. I admired her for doing it    but I’m so glad we didn’t act on my urges a couple of years ago (It’s academic anyway but you know what I mean). We were meant to stop after R and G.

21.52 He’s a pretty cool dad.

21.56 The words ‘You need a little cut’ make my bits curl up and go a bit shrivelly. Ouchy.

21.58 I love it when grown men cry. Honestly. Especially the ones that don’t look like the would cry at anything, ever.

22.00 It’s very kind of Channel 4 to offer us the chance to watch more birthing videos but I’m ok, thanks. My need to see people shit, bleed and squezze babies out of their chuffs is sated after an hour of One Born, but thanks anyway.

22.02 In any case, I need bigger thrills these days. I need multiple births, twins, triplets, give me some FREAKING QUADS! I want people on their eleventh child, I want planned sections, I want bovine women, I want freaked out men. I’m a One Born junkie and I can’t control myself.

22.05 I can control myself. Until next week, comrades. *salutes*

One Born Every Minute liveblog 18/1/2013

I have gone into partial social media hibernation. Facebook? Meh. Twitter? CBA. Meeting up with actual real people in actual real life? Not so fussed. Tonight’s One Born liveblog is basically me sticking my nose out of my cave for an hour, sniffing, realising it’s not Spring yet and crawling back under my blanket for a snooze for the rest of the week.

My psychology course starts on the 28th so I’m getting to grips with Virtual Learning Environments and not having actual books to learn from. I last studied 7 years ago and used to love getting a stack of course materials through the post. Things have changed in academia since then…

In my last few evenings of freedom I’m really making the most of things and…cross-stitching and watching Downton Abbey. Look, I’m late to the party here. Until now I have been a DA denier. A refuser. My friend gave me her series 1 boxset to watch ages ago and last night curiosity got the better of me. I watched the first two episodes.

It’s a load of old toot isn’t it? Posh people being haughty and unreasonable. Servants doing and saying entirely predictable ever so ‘umble things. Dreadful middle class people with JOBS and IDEAS ABOVE THEIR STATIONS. Almost-but-not-quite incidents with food. It made me want to watch Acorn Antiques in its entirety again. I’m yearning for a French and Saunders send-up of the bloody thing. I know I’ll end up watching all of it though. This is why I need to study. I need saving from myself, quite honestly.

Oh where was I? Liveblog. Got carried away there. Tonight’s episode focuses on two extremely strong-willed first time mums. Bless them and all who sail out of them. See you back here at 9pm. I’m off to don a fox fur stole and march around the house looking haughty and muttering about dowries.

20.58pm Baaaack! Tonight episode of retro-Downton involved a man who they thought would be really brown but wasn’t and then died and a typewriter and a maid getting ideas above her station. The least said about the limp-correcting device the better.

21.01 Love the Latvian-Leeds hybrid accent. I’m terribly distracted by the massive silver stud below her lip. Is there such a thing as a chin stud?

21.05 I keep expecting Caroline Aherne to appear.

21.07 Dh makes origami swans. I should hire him out to children’s parties. He can juggle as well. He’s basically wasting his life as a train driver.

21.08 Patterned leggings. I don’t understand this aztec-patterned leggings thing. It makes your legs look rubbish. Is this fashion now?

21.11 I know nothing about egg donating. I was told to get on with having babies because, due to my dodgy equipment, if I left it into my thirties I might not be able to have them at all. Is there a way of finding out  if my eggs are actually a load of old shite now or if they are still ok? Obviously we’re not having any more but what if I could help someone else? Although the spawn would end up looking a bit like me which I DO NOT RECOMMEND. Honestly, R and G have dodged so many bullets looks-wise.

21.18 What a KNOBHOLE. If you spread yo’ seed y’all need’ta take reSPONsiBILITY. Y’hear? MmmHmm.

21.25 I was promised demanding ladies. These ladies are not demanding. They’re more like:  I want so and so. Oh, I can’t have it. Why? Oh thank you for your explanation. That makes perfect sense. I’m happy to do as you say. WHERE ARE THE BATTLEAXES?

21.27 Oh hang on. We’re assessing delivery rooms like some people assess hotel rooms. Fuck the birthing chair woman! You won’t give two tiny shits when you’re on all fours, pooing your breakfast out and covered in blood. WARRIORS GIVE BIRTH IN CAVES!

21.29 I reckon there’s a pea under the mattress.

21.33 Keep seeing adverts from supermarkets about using leftovers. 1. I didn’t realise there was a war on 2. Surely you don’t need recipes to learn how to make stews, stir-frys and sandwiches. Honestly. People today. *shifts bosom, sucks air through teeth*

21.36 I tell you story of my life.

21.40 Um *raises hand* is it ok to want a baby so you won’t be lonely any more? Surely a dog would be better? Or a hamster?

21.46 I want to hold a newborn baby. Can someone arrange for me to do this please?

21.52 I reckon an assisted delivery in theatre.

21.57 I was half right. They used the serving spoons in the delivery room. Ouch. Lovely baby, but ouch. Proper ouchy.

21.58 For one moment I thought that was going to be a bad follow up. I’m relieved it’s a nice one 🙂

21.59 I can’t wait until the comedian next week. I CAN’T WAIT. *claps hands* WHEN ARE THE TWINS ON? I NEEDS ME SOME TWIN BIRTH ACTION.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 9/1/2013

Squeaky bum time. Almost thought I wouldn’t have enough time to do this here liveblog tonight. The whole school drop off, work, commute thing really impacts on the whole ‘having a life’ thing, if you can call snarking at a TV programme from behind a keyboard living, which I don’t really.

Tonight’s episode focuses on two young ‘uns, 23 and 20 respectively. See you back here at 9pm. I’m off to watch some track cycling highlights on ITV 54  4

21.00 OOH. Terribly distracted by the cyclists and nearly missed the start. *breathe*

21.01 I just did a very loud OOOH at the twins in the title sequence. Twins and cyclists cause me to make this noise, it seems. Imagine the effect that TWIN CYCLISTS would have…

21.03 I’d always have Dh as my birth partner. I love my Mum dearly, but it wouldn’t occur to me to choose her over Dh. Plus, I’d want to make him suffer as he got me into this mess in the first place. Share the pain!

21.06 I’ve been in Oceana in Leeds. It had an air of sex and menace about it. I was wearing a reasonably short dress and felt like a nun.

21.08 Feeling slightly panic-attacky about some highly unsuitable bounder knocking one of my girls up at an unsuitable age. I might buy some ninja stars to ward off oiks.

21.11 Are ninja stars legal? I suspect they’re not.

21.13 16 kids and counting! *sets V+*

21.14 I hear the name Biaggio, I imagine a Vespa-driving Italian stallion. I don’t imagine a long ginger haired bloke from Leeds in a hoodie and combat trousers for dwarves.

21.17 I don’t have any tattoos. I did have *some* piercings. Don’t think they quite equate to the pain of childbirth though. ALTHOUGH WHAT WOULD I KNOW? I HAD A SUNROOF.

21.18 Have these people not heard of condoms? The pill? The coil? Any contraception at all? No? Bueller? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

21.20 Maybe he spelt Bilbo wrong and it stuck.

21.21 Mmmm diamorphine. Mmmm. (loved diamorphine. Maybe I loved it too much.)

21.23 It’s nice that he was pleased about it *lemonface*

21.30 I miss Nancy the receptionist from One Born Southampton ‘Good morning Nancy speakING…’

21.31 NO. NO. NO. I DO NOT like this in-car footage. Please stop doing this.

21.32 I can’t imagine being a birth partner for R and G. I’d be too busy beating the living shit out of the cad that’s knocked them up. Unless he’s a doctor. Or a cyclist. Or a cyclist that’s training to be a doctor. Or a lawyer.

21.39 Ummm. Oh-kay. I didn’t realise the cutting of the cord was a power struggle. Iiiiinteresting.

21.42 Eh? I’d call having a baby a fair old acceleration of the whole relationship thing. Is it me?

21.45 The cork coming out of a bottle moment. It defies logic. It really does.


21.55 I was well good at baking babies. Like it’s a thing I could control…

21.58 I see your 6lb1oz and raise you 6lb5oz AND 6lb7oz IN YOUR FACE NATURE. IN. YOUR. FACE. (ahem)

Oooh. Next week looks shouty. And screamy. When are the twins on? Tell me that. I WANT TO SEE TWINS.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 21/3/2012

Episode 12 of One Born and there’s a televisual clash! Och Nooo! It’s the first episode of the new series of The Apprentice on t’other side and I LOVE the Apprentice. However, I can probably live without seeing corporate twats making…welll, twats of themselves for a week or two. Plus I’m supposed to be RESTING. There are only so many fecking 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzles I can do.

I’m not sure that women giving birth will be relaxing, exactly but it’s less likely to make my blood boil than LordSurAlan and his merry band of 16 dem fules. I keep nodding off over my laptop (and jigsaw puzzles) so I can’t promise it will be the most lively of liveblogs (when is it ever?) but I’m a completist.

See you back here at 9pm. Bring steak, spinach and dark chocolate.

20.59 I have eaten spinach. It was horrible. I have now consulted the hivemind and have been recommended lots of different things to do with it. No-one advocated ‘killing it with a brick’. Oh well. Anyway. Babies!

21.04 Dh and I have just joined in with the chair discussion. You can never have enough chairs, especially for the ballet coffee morning. I’m so middle-class that I may vomit. I have even worked out that we actually BENEFIT from today’s budget. My inner 17 year old hates me.

21.07 I had the empty uterus dream the night before my 12 week scan. At that point my uterus was the polar OPPOSITE of empty…

21.09 Ah. The old protein in urine test. Very difficult to wee into a tub when your enormous bump obscures everything south of your enormous swollen breasts. I once scooped up a load of my wee water in a cup from the toilet bowl after I failed to hit the bullseye. Nice.

21.13 All consultants should wear bow ties. It should be mandatory.

21.14 2lb10oz is diddy, even for a 30-weeker. Poor little Cody 😦

21.21 Some 16 year olds seem more ready to have babies than others. They seem pretty mature for their age. When I was 16 I was very very cross with the world and kicked around in big jumpers and DM’s. No way was I ready for a baby then.

21.26 ‘Nice normal names’ ‘Not strange names’. I like these people. They are talkin’ mah language.

21.27 It’s just occurred to me that 16 year old Billie might be named after Billie Piper, which makes me feel ancient.

21.40 Sorry. My concentration is shot at the moment and I keep drifting off. *slaps self* This is no reflection on this episode, which is really interesting and as entertaining as usual.

21.43 I find the ‘baby not planned’ statement really interesting as surely with the contraceptive methods available an actual ‘accident’ is pretty unlikely isn’t it? You may not be actually ‘trying’ for a baby but if you have sex and don’t wear a condom or don’t take the pill for a day or two you are accepting the risk of getting pregnant. Surely ‘not actively trying to get pregnant’ is more likely?

21.54 If a midwife said ‘You’re the only one that can do this’ to me I would find it very difficult not to scream I EFFING KNOW THAT at them. It’s not like you can hire a monkey butler is it?

21.59 They should do recaps every week. I’d really like to see more recaps with couples and babies from previous series, starting with Janet and Ralph from Series 2 Episode 1 and Fabio and Joy from Series 1*. Get to it, Channel 4!

*I’m aware that I’m a little bit addicted to this programme.

22.01 TWINS! NEXT WEEK! TWINS *hyperventilates*

One Born Every Minute liveblog 15/2/2012

It’s TWINS this week on One Born. Multiple births on television tend to fall into two categories:

1. Something VERY VERY BAD happens and all of us twin parents that have happy healthy twins feel sad and guilty for ever shouting at them.

2. A poor hapless woman has triplets…quads…sextuplets and the voiceover yells LOOK AT HOW HARD THIS IS! LOOK!

Oh! Speaking of shouty voiceovers (which One Born thankfully doesn’t have. Imagine if it was done by the sarcastic guy from Come Dine with Me. It might go a bit like this: ‘Oooh a lickle bit of pain YOU MASSIVE CHAV?!’) there is a third type of multiple birth depicted on television:

3. ROLL UP! ROLL UP! The LOOK! LOOK AT THE FREAKS THAT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME! LETS GET THE SCIENCE BEHIND MULTIPLE PREGNANCIES TOTALLY WRONG AND PAINT AT THE FREAKS! These programmes always include a lady of advancing years tutting while two or three identically dressed children wreak havoc in a supermarket. Always.

I think I might find tonight’s programme….cathartic. There’s probably another birth story as well but lets face it, I’m probably going to talk about the twin birth whilst mainlining Hotel Chocolat kirsch cherries and wearing my stained ‘Been there, done that’ t-shirt.

See you back here just before 9pm!

20.56 Posh pie boys have been replaced by hapless men attempting to work in a nursery. Relieved that Dh is a hands-on dad. Think some of the blokes on here were actually born in the 1930s. Bizarre.

21.03 That must be so weird. One of your colleagues is going to see you panting, swearing, screaming, pooing, weeing and totally naked.Oh and blood. Lots of blood. And a baby.

21.06 Is it me, or have they put her in a really, really nice delivery suite? Midwife perk?

21.07 TWINS! Girl and a boy! Older children as well. Brave, but live-in babysitters I guess.

21.08 10 years younger! Well played girlie!

21.09 She’s teeny tiny. No wonder one of the babies is a bit small. No room in there! Ah. I remember the double heartbeat monitor. I was monitored so much towards the end of my pregnancy that the Unit gave me some yellow straps to bring in with me. Probably still got them somewhere.

21.11 The whole birthing Twin 2 thing really freaked me out. R solved the conundrum for me by taking up residence across my stomach which  = c section. I imagine she did this to irritate G and give her much less room to manoerve. It would also explain my amazing moving stomach as they punched and kicked each other :/ I tried to explain this to R and G today and showed them the picture of my heavily pregnant stomach. I get the impression they think that I’m lying and that they just appeared, fully formed as walking, talking children.

21.15 Love the description of the incubator as a massive toaster.

21.19 Bang goes the birth plan. My birth plan was a big, blank page. If I’d thought about it I would’ve put a huge black question mark in the middle of the page, surrounded by smaller question marks and the following sentence at the very bottom of the page: ‘I want to healthy babies and I don’t care how much shit I have to go through to get them. Let them have the easy ride. I’ll take the hit’.

21.26 It’s really interesting that midwives with bags of experience can really lose it when going through childbirth themselves. It’s one of those situations where you can know all of the theory and help other people go through it but it’s totally different when it’s your body and your pain.

21.28 The thought of anyone manually moving R without her express prior permission is utterly unthinkable. She wouldn’t have stood for it. They were both cross enough when they were forcibly evicted through the sunroof.

21.30 I have re-thought my birth plan. I would just have written, in big red letters GIVE ME THE DRUGS.

21.37 ‘It’s a small baby…you’ve done this twice before… (I think that was a polite way of saying ‘So you’ve got some stretch down there’)

21.38 Mmmmm. Diamorphine. *air punch* (it made me blissed out but also very vommy)

21.42 IT’S A BABY’S HEAD! <plinky plonky birth music> I love a cross newborn baby. Newborn babies are so scrunchy and angry.

21.47 Twin 2 is always the pesky twin. Follows through into childhood as well.

21.49 The thing about twin births is the 54 people you have to have in the room with you, all looking at your nethers.

21.50 THE WISE OLD ELF IS DELIVERING TWIN 2! (Ben and Holly fans will understand this update)

21.52 All together now. Aaaaaaaaah.

21.53 4lb2oz and 4lb13oz. Tiddly but lovely. However, in twin birth Top Trumps, I win with 6lb5oz and 6lb7oz. Yay me. *hi-5’s self*

21.56 I love watching Dh watch the heads pop out. Flinches every time.

21.59 See? Even that Dad cried and he’s not a crier.We were fretting about the swelled head on Rose from our sofa. Guess that’s where she rotated in the birth canal? She seemed fine afterwards.

Aw, well that was just lovely. A nice twin birth and a nice singleton birth with very little drama this week. Shows that not all twin births are awful nightmares and that midwives go to pieces during their own labour and are therefore human after all…

Next week: I always hope that men who really want sons get daughters to teach them a lesson. On that note I bid you good night!