One Born Every Minute liveblog 20/2/2013

Boom! After seven weeks of singleton babies finally…FINALLY…we have a twin birth to look forward to tonight. Woo and, indeed, hoo.

Half-term here and we’re tag-teaming it. One works, one does R and G stuff. Tag, swap and repeat. So far the girls have been to a birthday party (of course!), the funfair, a playdate, the zoo, the park and a museum. Plans for the rest of the week are likely to involve a ride in the cable car, lunch out somewhere and another birthday party. Honestly, they do more in a week than most people do in an entire year.

Between all of this they’re drawing, making, writing, reading and demanding to play the Yes-No game at every opportunity. They have no concept of downtime or chilling. They’re go go go go sleep. Go go go go sleep. They do everything at 100 miles an hour at ear-splitting volume. It’s knackering. Wonderful, but knackering.

Still, I’d rather have that than two clingy, drippy, wet children with no personality or oomph. You know, the type that cry at birthday parties or if their parents leave their sight for a second, hate social occasions, freak out at children’s entertainers and wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

I’m still convinced there was a mix-up at the hospital five and a bit years ago.

With that in mind, I’ll be back at 9pm wittering on to myself as usual. Funz.

 

21.01 With my coursework (speech perception this week) and Candy Crush, it’s amazing I’m here at all. BRING ON THE TWINS!

21.04 Oh the swelling. I had feet like a hobbit. Slightly less hairy. They aren’t old parents around here. 39 and 41 is entirely normal. We’re the abnormal, young parents.

21.06 Ruth used to smack the pads. made a heck of a racket.

21.08 Sex education videos are meant to put you off having babies, not the other way round. Fail.

21.10 Twin pregnancy is not sexy at all. Some women really blossom and glow when they’re pregnant. I looked like a sack of shit. Well, slightly more than usual.

21.12 I liked knowing it was all planned and happening on a certain date. Took some of the pressure off, weirdly.

22.16 He’d get on with Ralph from series 2. They could have a three-way stat-off with Richard Osman from Pointless.

21.20. I hear ya, sista. C-section isn’t the easy option. Weirdly, I miss being monitored. It’s been more than five years. I should be over it by now.

21.23 ALL dads are embarrassing. It’s the law. Dad law.

21.35 I think her approach is extremely sensible. I intend to vet all of the girls’ dates. With a 50 page questionnaire.

21.37 I had blocked the memory of the tights out. Until now.

21.38 I have just wailed I MISS THEM BEING SMALL and had to mentally slap myself.

21.40 Or you bleed for ten weeks if you’re me. Urgh.

21.43 Oh, I’m finding this quite hard to watch. The operating theatre. The long walk to theatre wearing a hospital gown and a pair of tights. Making jokes and smiling whilst wishing you could run away. Oof.

21.51 Just realised that most dads go over and see the babies in theatre. Dh didn’t leave my side and the girls were brought over to him, one by one, Ruth first.

21.53 The girls would be brilliant big sisters. In a way it’s a shame they won’t get to experience it, but what’s done is done.

21.59 Having a baby is a decision you make with your heart and your gut. It’s not a rational decision. I don’t think it is, (or should be) anyway.

22.04 Anyway….back to cognitive psychology and singleton babies next week. See? Twin c-sections can be lovely. Told you.

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One Born Every Minute liveblog 13/2/2013

So we’re halfway through Series 4 of One Born and tonight’s episode promises…well, it’s bumps, blood, bums, boobs and babies isn’t it? It’s hardly Portland Babies, where’s it’s all floaty and fabulous Isabella Oliver, the consultants all look like Hugh Jackman and there’s a wine menu and foie gras for breakfast. The dad that’s sort-of involved but won’t be at the birth is already pushing my over-active Jeremy Kyle anger-button so I should have worked up a good head of steam by 9pm.

Meanwhile I’m doing battle with perception in cognitive psychology this week. I have just got back from R and G’s parents’ evening with a warm glow in my heart and a spring in my step (maybe we’re not so shit at this parenting lark after all) and it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, so Dh has been furtively hiding things and being odd. Well, only slightly more than usual.

As Sherlock said in A Scandal in Belgravia whilst at The Palace in the buff: LATERZ!

20.57 OCD cleaners *boak*

21.04 Jonathan has EXCELLENT hair.

21.05 I’m amazed that some girls get pregnant at all when they don’t know which hole does what, how things expand, etc. having said that, I thought I could wear knickers during my c-section so I’m hardly one to judge.

21.07 Facebook has a lot to answer for. He’s the hairy baby maker cf. Father Ted, Speed 3.

21.10 listening to the ‘gallop’ is so comforting. I got really addicted to being monitored and used to count down the days/hours/minutes until I could hear R and G on the machines.

21.18 I like these people. I like plans. Poor Dh. He was planned to death. Me: “I’M OVULATING WE ARE HAVING AN EARLY NIGHT” Dh (scared) ‘Oh-Kay’. It prepared him for life with twin girls. Now they order him about too.

21.23 mind you, he was only subjected to two months of me ordering him to bed. I think he would have liked it for a bit longer but THE PLAN worked. mwahahahaha

21.24 Kyle-alert activated. Why isn’t the baby’s dad at the birth if he wants to be involved and supportive? I do not compute this. It makes no sense to me. I’m sure there are plenty of women that don’t want to be at the birth of their own child, either.

21.30 I don’t want to become a grandma. Not until R and G are at least 27, anyway.

21.41 ‘Ooh she is ginger’ Esmay. Not Esme. Esmay. Twilight has a lot to answer for.

21.47 it’s a good job that midwives are good at navigating women’s bodies as they’re evidently shit at geography.

21.52 OMG the giving birth over the phone advice is amazing.

21.54 Similar level of pain in waxing and giving birth, I would imagine BECAUSE I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT EITHER.

21.59 YEEEEEEEES! TWINS NEXT WEEK!!! Yeah! Look at the bump on THAT.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 6/2/2013

Tonight’s episode is the one where they reference Fifty Shades of Grey and the baby boom it has apparently inspired. I was more ‘inspired’ last Summer by the Olympics and Paralympics and the sexy sporty achievements therein, but I’m strange like that. In any case, there’s a limit to the number of times DH will agree to pretend to be a member of the British cycling team for my amusement.*

*he hasn’t actually done this. Yet.

So, sexy times equals babies conceived in lifts, car parks, this way, that way, yadda yadda…. Funtimes!

20.58 Terribly distracted by Joe Hart and his sexy footballist saving skills. Phwoar.

21.00 “There are scenes of surgery”. I love scenes of surgery! That was me, once, five and a bit years ago. Yeah!

21.03 Also, I love students sitting in. I met a lot of student doctors and midwives during my pregnancy. There were about ten of them in theatre when I gave birth. Apparently they all wanted to see what a straightforward c-section twin birth was like. Relatively rare, apparently. I can’t imagine why anyone would refuse a medical student the chance to learn…actually I can think of one or two people I know that would object. They’re *those* people.

21.09 There’s been no mention of Fifty Shades yet. Thankfully.

21.11 just flicked over to the football. Joe Hart still excellent at being a goalkeeperist. Lovely.

21.13 GYPSY WEDDINGS KLAXON!

21.14 one Fifty Shades bomb dropped.

21.16 I was really chilled before my c-section. Completely unusual for me. Mine was delayed by a couple of hours and I lounged around like a beached whale doing crossword puzzles and reading the paper. I figured it’d be the last time I’d get to do that in peace for…oooh…about 18 years.

21.18 Her chimp his telling her she can’t do it. I’m not referring to her partner, I’m referring to the irrational bit of the brain that chats loudly at you and tells you you can’t do stuff.

21.20 I encountered loads of women like her in waiting rooms. Waiting more than ten minutes to see a doctor at a routine appointment compelled them and their entourages to harangue the receptionists – to no real effect – in increasingly loud voices. I think they were fretting about missing Jeremy Kyle on ITV2

21.22 I know! Lets let an emergency c section baby DIE so they can squeeze you in. I mean, obviously you are SO much more important that them aren’t you? YOU KNOBS.

21.24 This is the first time, ever, that I have wanted to turn One Born off.

21.25 Meanwhile, the other two have kept calm, carried on and had a baby. Minimal fuss. No histrionics.

21.27 Scared of giving birth? Here’s an idea. Have protected sex? Or no sex? Just a thought.

21.33 oh thank goodness. The last half an hour won’t focus on impatient lady. Right, I understand that pregnancy, birth etc is stressful. Believe me, I’ve been there. I get it. There’s a lot to be said for Grace under pressure though.

21.40 I can’t think of anything nice to say so I’m saying nothing.

21.41 Repeat after me: intervention is not a failure. Intervention is not a failure.

21.43 It takes longer to recover from a GA, not in terms of the wound and stitches, but the after-effects of a GA are worse (in my experience anyway. I’m always so sick after GAs.)

21.45 ok, experience tells us that the baby is probably going to be fine but THAT’S A REALLY BAD TIME FOR AN AD BREAK CHANNEL 4.

21.52 putting in my weekly ‘If some bounder knocked one of my two up and wasn’t around or involved I would HUNT HIM DOWN” here.

21.57 Baby girl is fine, thank goodness. Also, irritating mum is now being nice so I feel bad for being mean. Pregnancy and childbirth is HARD, however you do it.

21.59 Still no twins next week, judging by the preview. Bet they’re saving them for the last episode, like dancing squirrels in the news.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 23/1/2013

Back once again with the ill behavior, it’s One Born liveblog time again. Episode 4 promises two sets of young parents to be with a focus on the dads this week.

I haven’t watched any more Downton. I can’t. I just can’t do it to myself. R and G are 11 days into a complete TV ban (they *might* get their TV privileges back on Friday) to see if they can learn to play better by themselves without input/crowd control by Dh and/or I every five minutes. Dh and I always play nicely together so we’re allowed to watch the highlights of the Tour Down Under on V+ when the girls are in bed.

I have submitted the Fresher’s module to start my course and I start the first module proper – cognitive psychology – next week. The core book for the course arrived today. I’m thinking of popping it under my pillow so the information seeps into my brain while I sleep. What? It worked when I was doing my A-Levels. Except the Law one where the notes clearly slipped under the bed in the night and I forgot everything. Luckily I’m fine about it. Fine. It was 15 years ago after all.

Anyway, liveblog. Later. *mainlines kitkat chunky*

20.59 Oof. Just as the TdU highlights got exciting I realised it was One Born time. Boy, that Kit Kat was gooooood.

21.04 Is this part of the ‘Northern people are odd’ section? As a Southerner, I’m all lovehearts and fluffy wickle bunnies.

21.08 Loads of boys this series. Is nature balancing out the baby boom of girls born in 2007-8?

21.16 If Cristiano Ronaldo and Juan Pablo Montoya had a child, it would be this lad. With a handycam.

21.18 If they don’t express affection HOW DID THEY MANAGE TO CONCEIVE A CHILD? Was the deed done doggy style, watching Match of the Day, no cuddling afterwards?

21.20 I love the name Maud. And Elspeth. And Celia. Very Mitford-esque. I’m not a Hon. I’m a pleb though 😦

21.21 Would they have called a girl Tia Maria? Pina Colada? Vodka Martini?

21.22 If he were a creature comforts claymatian, what animal would he be? I say sloth.

21.23 The Mexican girl reminds me of someone and it’s taken me 20 minutes to work it out. She looks like a complete cowbag that I used to work with. This one seems lovely though.

21.27 No dads are cool. It’s dad law. Your child gets to a certain age and you become the most embarrassing person on the planet. Trying to be with it and cool is actually worse than being weird. I fully aim to be both.

21.38 Fuck the birth plan. Babies tend to make their own decisions. It sets you up for parenthood.

21.45 Oh you SO don’t want a picture from that angle.

21.47 So the other day I met a family who’d done the thing I always wondered about. They had twins and had a third child a couple of years later. The dad really didn’t want another child. The mum did. The twins were Gina Ford-ed to within an inch of their lives, c-section, only breastfed for a few weeks. The third child was a natural birth, co-slept forever, bf-d until he was 17 months old… she said she wanted to have a singleton to see what it was like and to bond with him in a way that she couldn’t with the twins. I admired her for doing it    but I’m so glad we didn’t act on my urges a couple of years ago (It’s academic anyway but you know what I mean). We were meant to stop after R and G.

21.52 He’s a pretty cool dad.

21.56 The words ‘You need a little cut’ make my bits curl up and go a bit shrivelly. Ouchy.

21.58 I love it when grown men cry. Honestly. Especially the ones that don’t look like the would cry at anything, ever.

22.00 It’s very kind of Channel 4 to offer us the chance to watch more birthing videos but I’m ok, thanks. My need to see people shit, bleed and squezze babies out of their chuffs is sated after an hour of One Born, but thanks anyway.

22.02 In any case, I need bigger thrills these days. I need multiple births, twins, triplets, give me some FREAKING QUADS! I want people on their eleventh child, I want planned sections, I want bovine women, I want freaked out men. I’m a One Born junkie and I can’t control myself.

22.05 I can control myself. Until next week, comrades. *salutes*

One Born Every Minute liveblog 9/1/2013

Squeaky bum time. Almost thought I wouldn’t have enough time to do this here liveblog tonight. The whole school drop off, work, commute thing really impacts on the whole ‘having a life’ thing, if you can call snarking at a TV programme from behind a keyboard living, which I don’t really.

Tonight’s episode focuses on two young ‘uns, 23 and 20 respectively. See you back here at 9pm. I’m off to watch some track cycling highlights on ITV 54  4

21.00 OOH. Terribly distracted by the cyclists and nearly missed the start. *breathe*

21.01 I just did a very loud OOOH at the twins in the title sequence. Twins and cyclists cause me to make this noise, it seems. Imagine the effect that TWIN CYCLISTS would have…

21.03 I’d always have Dh as my birth partner. I love my Mum dearly, but it wouldn’t occur to me to choose her over Dh. Plus, I’d want to make him suffer as he got me into this mess in the first place. Share the pain!

21.06 I’ve been in Oceana in Leeds. It had an air of sex and menace about it. I was wearing a reasonably short dress and felt like a nun.

21.08 Feeling slightly panic-attacky about some highly unsuitable bounder knocking one of my girls up at an unsuitable age. I might buy some ninja stars to ward off oiks.

21.11 Are ninja stars legal? I suspect they’re not.

21.13 16 kids and counting! *sets V+*

21.14 I hear the name Biaggio, I imagine a Vespa-driving Italian stallion. I don’t imagine a long ginger haired bloke from Leeds in a hoodie and combat trousers for dwarves.

21.17 I don’t have any tattoos. I did have *some* piercings. Don’t think they quite equate to the pain of childbirth though. ALTHOUGH WHAT WOULD I KNOW? I HAD A SUNROOF.

21.18 Have these people not heard of condoms? The pill? The coil? Any contraception at all? No? Bueller? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

21.20 Maybe he spelt Bilbo wrong and it stuck.

21.21 Mmmm diamorphine. Mmmm. (loved diamorphine. Maybe I loved it too much.)

21.23 It’s nice that he was pleased about it *lemonface*

21.30 I miss Nancy the receptionist from One Born Southampton ‘Good morning Nancy speakING…’

21.31 NO. NO. NO. I DO NOT like this in-car footage. Please stop doing this.

21.32 I can’t imagine being a birth partner for R and G. I’d be too busy beating the living shit out of the cad that’s knocked them up. Unless he’s a doctor. Or a cyclist. Or a cyclist that’s training to be a doctor. Or a lawyer.

21.39 Ummm. Oh-kay. I didn’t realise the cutting of the cord was a power struggle. Iiiiinteresting.

21.42 Eh? I’d call having a baby a fair old acceleration of the whole relationship thing. Is it me?

21.45 The cork coming out of a bottle moment. It defies logic. It really does.

21.52 HAVE MORE MORPHINE. IT’S AWESOMESAUCE.

21.55 I was well good at baking babies. Like it’s a thing I could control…

21.58 I see your 6lb1oz and raise you 6lb5oz AND 6lb7oz IN YOUR FACE NATURE. IN. YOUR. FACE. (ahem)

Oooh. Next week looks shouty. And screamy. When are the twins on? Tell me that. I WANT TO SEE TWINS.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 2/1/2013

I’m blaming Dh for this (if anyone ever wrote about him he’d be described as ‘Long-suffering’.) I was all set to give the liveblogging thing up along with the rest of the HoT enterprise but I mentioned that a new series of One Born was starting tonight, he asked if I was going to do my usual and looked a bit surprised and pouty when I said no. Then he casually threw in the whole ‘Don’t you get loads of page views and visitors when you do it…?’ thing and my competitive nature kicked in.

I’m starting a distance learning course in psychology at the end of the month so most of my evenings will be taken up with studying but for an hour a week, on a Wednesday I’ll try and do the liveblog thing. I suppose a study of people giving birth could be called psychological research, yes?

The blurb on the Channel 4 website states that tonight’s episode includes the usual two couples: one with lots of false starts and one with natural birth and active labour. I’d like to say that I won’t write anything in a ‘comedy’ Northern accent but I can’t promise that and I need to use up some cheese from Christmas so I might be in a stilton-induced fug later.

Be back here at 9pm or be the Australian Olympics team at London 2012 *loserface*

20.56pm. Evening! Gok Wan has stolen the format of one of my favourite ever tv shows ‘Would Like to Meet’. It was on BBC about 8 years ago and I loved it. Gok is a shameless hussy and I love him.

21.01 Buckle in lads. “Every minute…of every hour….of every day….”

21.02 there’s always some dick that blows up a surgical glove and thinks it’s the funniest thing EVAH.

21.11 Ok, confession time. I struggle with the whole ‘I want a natural birth because that’s how it should be done’ mindset because I always want to reply: ‘I’d rather have a live, healthy baby thanks to intervention rather than a sick or dead baby because I insisted on a ‘natural’ birth that went wrong’. Yes,hundreds of years ago all births were natural but women generally gave birth to a lot more children and more of them died in childbirth or in early childhood. If a natural birth works for you: great. If it doesn’t, you shouldn’t feel like a failure. **RANT OVER**

21.13 THEY ARE SHOWING ADVERTS FOR CREME EGGS. IN JANUARY. WE STILL HAVE THE TREE UP. FFS.

21.15 In a slightly alarming role-reversal, Dh has just said ‘Big guns’. That’s MY line.

21.16 Sod the diamonds and handbags. I got an iPod after I gave birth to R and G. Much more useful.

21.17 There are three couples tonight (I think) and apparently this guy looks like a fat Frankie Boyle.

21.20 Oh no. I don’t like this ‘car on way to hospital bit’. Makes it all seem really staged.

21.22 ‘I want a natural birth’ rapidly becomes ‘GIVE ME THE DRUGS’ with the most vociferous natural birthers, doesn’t it? *smugface*

21.24 The word speculum makes my insides curl up and die. Bad experiences when pregnant. Bad, bad experiences *hears chopper overhead, imagines ‘Nam flashbacks*

21.29 If, as Beyonce sang, you like it you should put a ring on it. Maliyah was teeny. V cute, but teeny.

21.34 This dad to be has the beard-hair combo of a man that has a technicolour dreamcoat in is wardrobe AH-AH-AHHHH.

21.36 Or Matt Berry.

21.42 “She did some chanting, yeah”. So going in the midwife book of birthing anecdotes.

21.47 I am actually yelling IT’S THE BLACK BUTTON YOU HIPPY at the telly. I knew the chutney was a bad idea.

21.54 I love the WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME YOU FREAKS face and cry that newborn babies do. They look so cross.

21.59 You just hope that when the dad has had a colourful past and says lots of good things about meeting someone that changes them and that they’ll bring a baby up right…you just hope that they deliver on everything they say.

22.01 That felt like quite a low-key opener to the series. Three reasonably straightforward births, three nice names (for a change), very little drama (c-section aside.) During the preview of next weeks’ show, where the mum of a prospective mum said she’d take the pain away in a heartbeat, I commented to Dh that I’d actually like the girls to suffer a bit, especially G if she gets knocked up by Dappy. I’ll be there cackling “THAT’LL LEARN YOU GIRL! THIS IS FOR THE TIMES YOU PEED ON THE FLOOR WHEN YOU WERE TWO AND IN A MOOD WITH ME. TAKE THAT!”.

I’m a horrible mother. See you next week.

One Born Every Minute liveblog 1/2/2012

Roll up! Roll up! It’s One Born Every Minute day. The children are in bed, Dh is working the late shift and I’ll be on the sofa with my laptop at 9pm after I’ve done day 24 of the 30 Day Shred. I won’t be phoning it in. I won’t be sending myself a false message of lethargy. I’ll be pushing myself to get the results I want and deserve….hang on a second! I’ve been drugged by the Jillian Michaels bots again. Sorry about that. One Born. Babies. 9pm.

Laterz…I need to find my trainers…

20.55 Shred? Done. Swearing at three toned women? Done. Now watching ruffly-haired well-spoken boys cooking pies for not-very-poor-looking-students. BRING ON THE BABIES!

21.01 I love the strong language warning before the programme starts. Women are supposed to be meek and silent during birth aren’t they? Or is that the Scientologists? I get confused. You’re basically pushing a watermelon through the eye of a needle. Of course you’re going to do some swears!

21.03 There should be a rent a newborn baby scheme for people that don’t actually want one, but want to cuddle and squidge one for half an hour. Then give it back. I’d like to sign up to that scheme.

21.06 I envy women that don’t have any stretchmarks. Four years on my stomach looks like a relief map of Jabba The Hutt’s arse.

21.07 The mere mention of the word ‘speculum’ makes my bits hurt. I get the NHS equivalent of ‘Nam flashbacks 😦

21.10 I find the use of the phrase ‘Catch on’ really odd. Is it regional? For some reason it reminds me of crocheting.

21.11 I wore my sick bucket as a hat too. I was whacked out on morphine at the time though. It was hilarious. (it wasn’t hilarious). Oh maybe it was methadone (bless them)? That might explain the ‘twistin’ my melon man’ dreams I had that night.

21.19 I like the idea of birthing rules. I would have had ‘stay at the head end’ and ‘go and buy me Grazia. Now.’

21.22 Two fingers and a hook. They ARE doing crochet!

21.24 I have long fingers. I could be a midwife! It’s a shame I have no patience and fundamentally dislike 95% of people I meet, otherwise I’d be brilliant at it.

21.34 On a side note, I am practically hyperventilating with excitement that Big Fat Gypsy Weddings is starting again soon.

21.35 In another life Jess would be the 6th member of The Saturdays. She could probably deputise for Una while she has her Foden-baby. See? I’m down with the kids. Tangentially, the Healy-Foden baby is going to be gorgeous.

21.43 Where’s the father of Jess’ child now? On his phone having a fag, probably. I sound like a broken record but if you were there for the procreation you should be there for the birth. All of it.

21.45 ‘Too scared’?? TOO SCARED? Jesus fecking christ. He’s a keeper isn’t he? ‘Cept she’s done the sensible thing and has already binned him. Twat.

21.48 I had no idea that they couldn’t do a vaginal examination if the woman refused. I assumed that medical intervention would always supercede the wishes of the individual, but clearly not in childbirth.

21.53 I didn’t have her down as a scuba diver. Funny how you get an impression of someone and it isn’t quite right.

21.56 *The sound of wombs twanging at the sight of baby Lucy*

21.59 He has a heart after all. Rikeya. What a cutie. Oooh. Hang on. It all went a bit Jeremy Kyle there. Blimey.

22.00 How old is Georgia? 14? Oh my goodness.

There haven’t been any multiple births in this series yet. I’d really like them to show us a straightforward twin birth. They’ve only shown ones with complications before and most twin births aren’t like that.