One Born Every Minute liveblog 30/1/2013

HATE January. It has gone on for 54 years. Hasn’t it? Every time I look at the calendar and think ‘It must be nearly March’ I see it’s still BLOODY JANUARY and we have the whole of February to navigate our way through first. Gah. I hate January.

Anyway, we’re up to Episode 5 in this fourth series of One Born and tonight’s episode features the return of an old face and lots of sadness before – hopefully – lots of plinky plonky birth music and happiness. Please let there be happy birth music and healthy babies or I’ll Hulk-out and run down my road screaming WHEN WILL THIS INFERNAL, MISERABLE MONTH END???

I really don’t want to do that.

21.00 Tonight’s course reading done – this week we’ve been asked to dip our toe into the murky waters of popular psychology and I’m reading How the Mind Works by Steven Pinker – and I’m ready for some childbirth action in HD. Booyeah.

21.02 For a millisecond, when the midwife places the twins in the cot in the title sequence, I want more babies. Then I remember that they become argumentative and shouty when they stop being babies and I come to my senses.

21.07 She went on a bear hunt. Presumably, to catch a big one. I hope it was a beautiful day and that she wasn’t scared.

21.08 Bedfordshire is the land that time forgot, not Alaska. Easy mistake to make.

21.09 OH MY GOD SOME MOTHERS ARE VERY OVER-INVOLVED AREN’T THEY? I would actually kill in that situation. I mean, my Mum and Dad are great and all but by god, you need some distance and perspective on your relationship. Otherwise it’s weird. I’d be like GET OUT MY FACE, PEOPLE. I’M GIVING BIRTH HERE.

21.11 Oooh, Mother goes a bit passo-aggo about being told to leave. *makes screechy knife noises* I’m feeling stifled and I’m 200 miles away.

21.16 Although the daughter isn’t helping by encouraging it.

21.17 OH GOD DON’T WE ALL LOVE A JOKER IN THE DELIVERY SUITE? People like him are great to be in an office with.

21.19 Oh he’s quite lovely really.

(I don’t comment on other people’s tragedies. Not appropriate. Not my place)

21.32 (I really like this guy, he’s so sweet and kind and like puzzle books)



21.38 Just BACK OFF woman. Jesus Christ.

21.40 Manipulative mothers. Urgh. This is going to end up in counselling, recriminations, no contact and lots of bad feeling on all sides.

21.46 Sometimes I feel sad that I won’t have another little girl. Now is one of those times. 😦

21.57 God, I think I might slightly love him. He’s brilliant.

21.59 Oh, Ava. I love the name Ava. I love a happy ending and she is so beautiful. I’m FINE. HONESTLY. FINE.

22.01 That was the first episode this series that made me wobbly-eyed. Plus, girls. I love baby girls. I mean, boys are great but little baby girls are gorgeous, until they’re five and telling you that you’re old and forget things and that they’d rather daddy was here than you because they MISS HIM. That’s the trouble with girls. They always prefer their fathers. Gah.

22.02 Fifty Shades of Grey has an awful lot to answer for. I wonder how many of next week’s babies were conceived as a result of an evening in the red room of pain swinging from the rafters? On that note, I’m off to bed.


One Born Every Minute liveblog 4/4/2012

…and now…the end is near…and so we face…the final curtain…it’s the final episode of series 3 (surely there will be more?) of One Born Every Minute tonight. Wait! They’re doing a what happened next programme tomorrow! Only it doesn’t feature any of my favourite families/births (and actually features one that made me want to pull my own arm off so I had something to hurl at the television) and I’m out tomorrow night (I know!) anyway so I’m not fussed about that…

Last week I said I’d watch the finale with mozzarella-based snacks and a cheeky glass of fizz. Sadly I have neither, although I’m fairly sure I spotted a bottle of Pinot in the fridge so I may have to have a glass (or two) to celebrate the end of 14 weeks of liveblogging mad skillz.

See you back here for bumps, blood, bottoms, boobs, births and babies at 9pm.

21.01 Bit late. Just kissing Dh before he disappears off to bed (early shift at work this week) but I’M HEEEEEEERE!

21.03 Midwifery really is a job for life. Very few vocations like that these days. If the Tories stay in power in five years time babies will be delivered by volunteers.Can you imagine? ‘Sorry, you can’t have your baby today because your community volunteer has decided to go to the beach. Hold it in and pop back next week’.

21.06 Some men are complete fuckers aren’t they?

21.08 I totally sympathise with her. My fanjo felt like it was on fire every time I had an internal. I should’ve kicked the doctor that looked like Ravi Bopara in the face when I had the chance…might have helped his cricket…

21.10 It’s stuff like this that reinforces my belief in fate and things that are ‘meant’ to happen. I’m not religious but I genuinely believe that things happen for a reason and certain people are destined to meet.

21.18 I envy the cameraderie that the midwives have. They genuinely make a difference to people’s lives and, as they said, they’re the first to put a hand on a new baby. Must be an amazing buzz, regardless of how many years you’ve been doing it.

21.20 Oh. Oh. I remember sobbing the first month that we tried and I had my period and it was really awful. I was lucky enough to fall pregnant the second month. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have years and years of trying and no baby. I feel like a bitch for even whingeing about my two. I don’t know I’m bloody (One) born.

21.25 It may be the Pinot I’m drinking but I feel a bit weepy. No-one should be alone whilst in labour.

21.27 I like the fact that she sounds really Canadian and then she sounds really Yorkshire. Loovleh.

21.33 I wish my Mum had been there when I had the girls. Not necessarily in the operating theatre, but at the hospital. It’s my fault for being so insular about it all. I feel bad for depriving her of the chance to be there on the day I gave birth.

21.35 It’s so sad that the father of the child has not interest, and that his family aren’t supporting her in any way. The thought of her printing off a picture of the father and putting it in a memory box for the child makes me want to weep (again).

21.37 Ooh! She’s got herself a new buff man. At least, I hope it’s a man. It might be a spaniel.

21.42 CROSS BABY ALERT! Isla’s a lovely name though 🙂 I do like a wobbly-faced new Dad. Their face changes the moment the baby is born and it’s so lovely to watch.

21.50 Girls! We run the world! Girls! We run this mutha. Yeah! *puts wine glass down*

21.53 Isabel Esme *nods approvingly*

21.56 Plinky plonky birth music time. She’s spelt Isabel wrong though *pedantic face*

22.00 There we have it. Two more babies born, lives changed forever, one midwife retiring. I love One Born…no, I ADORE One Born. My two are growing up rapidly and the pregnancy, birth and newborn baby days are now an increasingly distant memory. I’m not broody anymore and I know that I’m not going to have any more babies of my own but I love watching other people’s lives change in the same way that ours did back in 2007.

If Channel 4 don’t do another series I’m going to camp out at their headquarters in Horseferry Road with placards until they change their minds.

p.s. Can future revisit shows feature Joy and Fabio and Janet and Ralph please? Pretty please? 🙂

One Born Every Minute liveblog 28/3/2012

It’s the penultimate episode in the series tonight and we’re three promised three very different births – including twins *TWIN AWOOGA SIREN* – and an appearance by Myleene Klass. Hopefully someone will tell her that the Baby K range in Mothercare is a curate’s egg: good in parts: Exhibit A (bad) v Exhibit B (if it was available in my size I’d buy it). I like Myleene and I hope she plays the piano while she’s there. I bet there’s a piano in the Portland. Heck, they probably have an orchestra on site to drown out the well-bred screams.

The weather and the lack of alcohol over the last few weeks is making me skittish. I’ll calm down a bit and see you back here later. Yeah?

20.58 Bathed, plucked, painted and ready for action…and that’s just Dh. Chortle. He’s not here this evening so I don’t get to enjoy his horrifed face as the baby’s head pops out during the OBEM title sequence *sadface*

21.03 Myleene Klass: OOOOOOOOOH. Loovleh.

21.05 People lead extremely complicated lives don’t they? I don’t have the energy for all of this fandango-ing about with all this ‘Together/not together my baby/not my baby’ nonsense. It must be exhausting.

21.07 Love the description of Myleene as ‘really birthy’. As opposed to…?

21.09 I do wonder sometimes if the punishment for really enjoying yourself is twins. It’s like ‘Yeah you had fun. Yeah you lead an interesting life. NOW YOU’RE GETTING A REAL CHALLENGE. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!’.

21.10 A c-section doesn’t automatically make you thinner after birth. Especially if you’re having twins. Your body will NEVER look the same again. I hate my body now. I wish I’d appreciated it more when I was younger 😦

21.20 Myleene INCOMING! She looks amazing. Cowbag. I’m going on a diet and running 53 miles tomorrow.

21.22 I remember waiting around with Dh for my c-section. It’s really surreal – the excitement of Christmas Eve and the sheer terror of A-level results day all rolled into one. I’m getting ‘Nam-style flashbacks here. Bloody hell.

21.26 The walk to theatre is so scary. My legs were really wobbly. It all felt really…final…if that makes sense. I go into ‘Upbeat yet oddly stoic’ mode at moments like that.

21.27 Jesus. It may be more than four years ago but I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I was cut open and that R and G came out. It doesn’t feel real, somehow.

21.29 Oh Oh. They are just wonderful when they’re snuggled up together as newborns. I’m getting something in my eye here.

21.31 As much as I love the M&S meal for £10, I’d pay a bit more for Matthew Macfadyen to come round and describe it to me…

….he can come over and describe Easter to me as well <insert filthy joke about hunting out Easter eggs here>

21.33 I am totally getting a fake tan and a pair of nude high heels. I wish she’d played the piano. Or the spoons. Or the forceps.

21.36 I’d love to be a Doula but I’d be crap at it. I don’t have enough empathy. In fact, I don’t have any emapthy. I’d be shouting GROW A PAIR YOU STUPID BINT after about 10 minutes.

21.44 My disapproval of men not being at the birth is well-known, but he seems like such a gentle soul that I almost understand his viewpoint. He should still be at the head end offering a hand to hold though. He could wear headphones if he finds the noise unbearable.

21.49 The fact that I really want a curry indicates that I will never have Myleene’s figure. She must deny herself everything remotely fun to look like that.

21.54 I can’t believe the midwife made him look at the popped-out head. Poor guy. I wouldn’t have expected Dh to do that if he really didn’t want to.

21.58 Wrinkly cross baby alert!

22.00 Last episode in this series next week. I might have a little party to celebrate. I’ll be here for the final time next week with some mozzarella-based snacks and a glass of fizz or two…

Interview with dh – in the beginning…

Me: How was it for you when we found out we were having twins?

Dh: A big shock. We found out in the scan [at 12 weeks]. It was the way he did it. He just said ‘It’s a twin pregnancy’  and carried on

Like we knew, and we didn’t know.

It was like, excuse me? What did you say?

You went quite white and you were holding my hand and suddenly I felt this pressure around my hand and it hurt!


You looked really frightened

I remember phoning my mum up afterwards and she laughed. She asked if they were ok but laughed first

Yeah. My Mum laughed as well.

It took a long time to sink in properly

When do you feel like it sunk in for you?

We didn’t buy anything to start with because we were moving house…so we waited until we’d moved and bought lots of stuff. That’s when we started choosing double buggies and buying two car seats

I was 6.5 months pregnant when we moved…so quite late on…it wasn’t until I was 7 months that we started buying stuff

First we had to buy sofas and beds for us!

So, even when we had the scan at 22 weeks and found out we were having girls it still didn’t really sink in for you?

I don’t think it does until they’re born really. It never seemed real before they were born. Even when they came home it was slightly unbelievable.  We just put them in the cot downstairs and they fell asleep. I just sat there and thought ‘I can’t believe there’s two babies in there’.

It was a shock because I’d read far too much on the Internet and was convinced that I would have premature babies and that I’d come home with you and we’d be going back to the hospital together to look after two slightly poorly babies

I spent a lot of time checking my phone at work in the last few weeks [of your pregnancy]

I remember going for a scan quite late on and you couldn’t come and it was the last scan I had before I gave birth and I phoned you to let you know how it had gone. You phoned me back at somewhere like London Bridge and you were so freaked that something had happened. I was sat at home on the computer being enormous!

It didn’t sink in until they’d been at home for a few days. The first night when you’re getting up and feeding them…it feels real then. When I was at the hospital and I had to change a nappy and you just have to get on with it. It’s not hard, it’s just a bit weird. No-one shows you what to do. Then I had to stick to partner visiting hours so I was at home watching telly and you were doing everything at the hospital with the children.

I remember a really nice thing you did for me, which was bringing me in a Brie & cranberry baguette that you’d made yourself.

You’d been denied lots of soft cheese.

Life for you didn’t really change at that point, I wasn’t there but then I used to do a lot of overnight stays at work so you were used to it

You came home quite quickly

With the benefit of hindsight maybe I came home too quickly.

I dunno….they weren’t really helping you [at the hospital] I wanted to help so I was glad you came home. If I could’ve stayed over in a private room with you it would’ve helped. I stayed overnight the other time [at 27 weeks when I had a kidney infection when we were put on the labour ward]. People were giving birth and there were lots of terrifying noises. There was that woman being induced.

They gave me a lot of morphine and something else that I think they got from a back street in Woolwich that made me hallucinate [I wore my cardboard sick cone as a hat]. That’s the nearest I’ll ever get to an illegal drug.

I don’t know why they’re so strict with partner visiting hours. You need the help. I could’ve hung around and fed them.