One Born Every Minute liveblog 18/1/2013

I have gone into partial social media hibernation. Facebook? Meh. Twitter? CBA. Meeting up with actual real people in actual real life? Not so fussed. Tonight’s One Born liveblog is basically me sticking my nose out of my cave for an hour, sniffing, realising it’s not Spring yet and crawling back under my blanket for a snooze for the rest of the week.

My psychology course starts on the 28th so I’m getting to grips with Virtual Learning Environments and not having actual books to learn from. I last studied 7 years ago and used to love getting a stack of course materials through the post. Things have changed in academia since then…

In my last few evenings of freedom I’m really making the most of things and…cross-stitching and watching Downton Abbey. Look, I’m late to the party here. Until now I have been a DA denier. A refuser. My friend gave me her series 1 boxset to watch ages ago and last night curiosity got the better of me. I watched the first two episodes.

It’s a load of old toot isn’t it? Posh people being haughty and unreasonable. Servants doing and saying entirely predictable ever so ‘umble things. Dreadful middle class people with JOBS and IDEAS ABOVE THEIR STATIONS. Almost-but-not-quite incidents with food. It made me want to watch Acorn Antiques in its entirety again. I’m yearning for a French and Saunders send-up of the bloody thing. I know I’ll end up watching all of it though. This is why I need to study. I need saving from myself, quite honestly.

Oh where was I? Liveblog. Got carried away there. Tonight’s episode focuses on two extremely strong-willed first time mums. Bless them and all who sail out of them. See you back here at 9pm. I’m off to don a fox fur stole and march around the house looking haughty and muttering about dowries.

20.58pm Baaaack! Tonight episode of retro-Downton involved a man who they thought would be really brown but wasn’t and then died and a typewriter and a maid getting ideas above her station. The least said about the limp-correcting device the better.

21.01 Love the Latvian-Leeds hybrid accent. I’m terribly distracted by the massive silver stud below her lip. Is there such a thing as a chin stud?

21.05 I keep expecting Caroline Aherne to appear.

21.07 Dh makes origami swans. I should hire him out to children’s parties. He can juggle as well. He’s basically wasting his life as a train driver.

21.08 Patterned leggings. I don’t understand this aztec-patterned leggings thing. It makes your legs look rubbish. Is this fashion now?

21.11 I know nothing about egg donating. I was told to get on with having babies because, due to my dodgy equipment, if I left it into my thirties I might not be able to have them at all. Is there a way of finding out  if my eggs are actually a load of old shite now or if they are still ok? Obviously we’re not having any more but what if I could help someone else? Although the spawn would end up looking a bit like me which I DO NOT RECOMMEND. Honestly, R and G have dodged so many bullets looks-wise.

21.18 What a KNOBHOLE. If you spread yo’ seed y’all need’ta take reSPONsiBILITY. Y’hear? MmmHmm.

21.25 I was promised demanding ladies. These ladies are not demanding. They’re more like:  I want so and so. Oh, I can’t have it. Why? Oh thank you for your explanation. That makes perfect sense. I’m happy to do as you say. WHERE ARE THE BATTLEAXES?

21.27 Oh hang on. We’re assessing delivery rooms like some people assess hotel rooms. Fuck the birthing chair woman! You won’t give two tiny shits when you’re on all fours, pooing your breakfast out and covered in blood. WARRIORS GIVE BIRTH IN CAVES!

21.29 I reckon there’s a pea under the mattress.

21.33 Keep seeing adverts from supermarkets about using leftovers. 1. I didn’t realise there was a war on 2. Surely you don’t need recipes to learn how to make stews, stir-frys and sandwiches. Honestly. People today. *shifts bosom, sucks air through teeth*

21.36 I tell you story of my life.

21.40 Um *raises hand* is it ok to want a baby so you won’t be lonely any more? Surely a dog would be better? Or a hamster?

21.46 I want to hold a newborn baby. Can someone arrange for me to do this please?

21.52 I reckon an assisted delivery in theatre.

21.57 I was half right. They used the serving spoons in the delivery room. Ouch. Lovely baby, but ouch. Proper ouchy.

21.58 For one moment I thought that was going to be a bad follow up. I’m relieved it’s a nice one 🙂

21.59 I can’t wait until the comedian next week. I CAN’T WAIT. *claps hands* WHEN ARE THE TWINS ON? I NEEDS ME SOME TWIN BIRTH ACTION.

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