One Born Every Minute liveblog 9/1/2013

Squeaky bum time. Almost thought I wouldn’t have enough time to do this here liveblog tonight. The whole school drop off, work, commute thing really impacts on the whole ‘having a life’ thing, if you can call snarking at a TV programme from behind a keyboard living, which I don’t really.

Tonight’s episode focuses on two young ‘uns, 23 and 20 respectively. See you back here at 9pm. I’m off to watch some track cycling highlights on ITV 54  4

21.00 OOH. Terribly distracted by the cyclists and nearly missed the start. *breathe*

21.01 I just did a very loud OOOH at the twins in the title sequence. Twins and cyclists cause me to make this noise, it seems. Imagine the effect that TWIN CYCLISTS would have…

21.03 I’d always have Dh as my birth partner. I love my Mum dearly, but it wouldn’t occur to me to choose her over Dh. Plus, I’d want to make him suffer as he got me into this mess in the first place. Share the pain!

21.06 I’ve been in Oceana in Leeds. It had an air of sex and menace about it. I was wearing a reasonably short dress and felt like a nun.

21.08 Feeling slightly panic-attacky about some highly unsuitable bounder knocking one of my girls up at an unsuitable age. I might buy some ninja stars to ward off oiks.

21.11 Are ninja stars legal? I suspect they’re not.

21.13 16 kids and counting! *sets V+*

21.14 I hear the name Biaggio, I imagine a Vespa-driving Italian stallion. I don’t imagine a long ginger haired bloke from Leeds in a hoodie and combat trousers for dwarves.

21.17 I don’t have any tattoos. I did have *some* piercings. Don’t think they quite equate to the pain of childbirth though. ALTHOUGH WHAT WOULD I KNOW? I HAD A SUNROOF.

21.18 Have these people not heard of condoms? The pill? The coil? Any contraception at all? No? Bueller? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

21.20 Maybe he spelt Bilbo wrong and it stuck.

21.21 Mmmm diamorphine. Mmmm. (loved diamorphine. Maybe I loved it too much.)

21.23 It’s nice that he was pleased about it *lemonface*

21.30 I miss Nancy the receptionist from One Born Southampton ‘Good morning Nancy speakING…’

21.31 NO. NO. NO. I DO NOT like this in-car footage. Please stop doing this.

21.32 I can’t imagine being a birth partner for R and G. I’d be too busy beating the living shit out of the cad that’s knocked them up. Unless he’s a doctor. Or a cyclist. Or a cyclist that’s training to be a doctor. Or a lawyer.

21.39 Ummm. Oh-kay. I didn’t realise the cutting of the cord was a power struggle. Iiiiinteresting.

21.42 Eh? I’d call having a baby a fair old acceleration of the whole relationship thing. Is it me?

21.45 The cork coming out of a bottle moment. It defies logic. It really does.


21.55 I was well good at baking babies. Like it’s a thing I could control…

21.58 I see your 6lb1oz and raise you 6lb5oz AND 6lb7oz IN YOUR FACE NATURE. IN. YOUR. FACE. (ahem)

Oooh. Next week looks shouty. And screamy. When are the twins on? Tell me that. I WANT TO SEE TWINS.


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