One Born Every Minute liveblog 28/3/2012

It’s the penultimate episode in the series tonight and we’re three promised three very different births – including twins *TWIN AWOOGA SIREN* – and an appearance by Myleene Klass. Hopefully someone will tell her that the Baby K range in Mothercare is a curate’s egg: good in parts: Exhibit A (bad) v Exhibit B (if it was available in my size I’d buy it). I like Myleene and I hope she plays the piano while she’s there. I bet there’s a piano in the Portland. Heck, they probably have an orchestra on site to drown out the well-bred screams.

The weather and the lack of alcohol over the last few weeks is making me skittish. I’ll calm down a bit and see you back here later. Yeah?

20.58 Bathed, plucked, painted and ready for action…and that’s just Dh. Chortle. He’s not here this evening so I don’t get to enjoy his horrifed face as the baby’s head pops out during the OBEM title sequence *sadface*

21.03 Myleene Klass: OOOOOOOOOH. Loovleh.

21.05 People lead extremely complicated lives don’t they? I don’t have the energy for all of this fandango-ing about with all this ‘Together/not together my baby/not my baby’ nonsense. It must be exhausting.

21.07 Love the description of Myleene as ‘really birthy’. As opposed to…?

21.09 I do wonder sometimes if the punishment for really enjoying yourself is twins. It’s like ‘Yeah you had fun. Yeah you lead an interesting life. NOW YOU’RE GETTING A REAL CHALLENGE. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!’.

21.10 A c-section doesn’t automatically make you thinner after birth. Especially if you’re having twins. Your body will NEVER look the same again. I hate my body now. I wish I’d appreciated it more when I was younger 😦

21.20 Myleene INCOMING! She looks amazing. Cowbag. I’m going on a diet and running 53 miles tomorrow.

21.22 I remember waiting around with Dh for my c-section. It’s really surreal – the excitement of Christmas Eve and the sheer terror of A-level results day all rolled into one. I’m getting ‘Nam-style flashbacks here. Bloody hell.

21.26 The walk to theatre is so scary. My legs were really wobbly. It all felt really…final…if that makes sense. I go into ‘Upbeat yet oddly stoic’ mode at moments like that.

21.27 Jesus. It may be more than four years ago but I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I was cut open and that R and G came out. It doesn’t feel real, somehow.

21.29 Oh Oh. They are just wonderful when they’re snuggled up together as newborns. I’m getting something in my eye here.

21.31 As much as I love the M&S meal for £10, I’d pay a bit more for Matthew Macfadyen to come round and describe it to me…

….he can come over and describe Easter to me as well <insert filthy joke about hunting out Easter eggs here>

21.33 I am totally getting a fake tan and a pair of nude high heels. I wish she’d played the piano. Or the spoons. Or the forceps.

21.36 I’d love to be a Doula but I’d be crap at it. I don’t have enough empathy. In fact, I don’t have any emapthy. I’d be shouting GROW A PAIR YOU STUPID BINT after about 10 minutes.

21.44 My disapproval of men not being at the birth is well-known, but he seems like such a gentle soul that I almost understand his viewpoint. He should still be at the head end offering a hand to hold though. He could wear headphones if he finds the noise unbearable.

21.49 The fact that I really want a curry indicates that I will never have Myleene’s figure. She must deny herself everything remotely fun to look like that.

21.54 I can’t believe the midwife made him look at the popped-out head. Poor guy. I wouldn’t have expected Dh to do that if he really didn’t want to.

21.58 Wrinkly cross baby alert!

22.00 Last episode in this series next week. I might have a little party to celebrate. I’ll be here for the final time next week with some mozzarella-based snacks and a glass of fizz or two…

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