No baby on board

I didn’t wear a Baby on Board badge when I was pregnant. I didn’t want to be labelled as ‘Pregnant lady in need of a seat’ and I relied on the goodwill of others to offer me seats off their own bat, and not just because my badge told them they should. Sometimes it worked (there was a nice lady at Stratford station that would accompany onto the DLR and ask me loudly how my pregnancy was going so that someone would offer me a seat) and quite often it didn’t – case in point being my last day at work before I took maternity leave, at 29 weeks. I stood on the Jubilee Line from North Greenwich to Stratford with my massive bump and not one of the buggers offered me a seat.

With nearly five years of accumulated wisdom, I would now wear TEN Baby on Board badges and rub my swollen belly in commuters’ faces.

As a result of my dying swan act last week, everyone at work decided I was pregnant. I have told them I’m most definitely not, but I don’t think they believe me. I suspect that some of them are waiting for me to brandish 12 week scan photos in a few weeks’ time. They are going to be extremely disappointed.

I may not be pregnant, but I have developed a knack for knowing when other people are, well before they make the news public. I looked at one of my colleagues a few weeks ago and thought ‘Gosh darn it, she’s up the duff’. You don’t ask of course. You wait for the announcement. Only…the announcement didn’t come. Colleague was definitely acting a bit strangely (downing food when she’s normally quite careful) and she was getting a bit of a tummy…but I get a belly when I’ve eaten too much bread (bloody IBS) so it doesn’t do to assume. I took the cowards way out and e-mailed another colleague.

I was right of course. 15 weeks. So I worked it out when she was 8-9 weeks pregnant. I rock, obviously. *does one woman Mexican wave*. She doesn’t wear a Baby on Board badge either.

I need a badge or maybe a flashing neon sign above my desk that says: ‘BABY NOT ON BOARD’ in big letters and ‘Husband has been to the Vets’ in smaller letters underneath.


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