One Born Every Minute liveblog 21/3/2012

Episode 12 of One Born and there’s a televisual clash! Och Nooo! It’s the first episode of the new series of The Apprentice on t’other side and I LOVE the Apprentice. However, I can probably live without seeing corporate twats making…welll, twats of themselves for a week or two. Plus I’m supposed to be RESTING. There are only so many fecking 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzles I can do.

I’m not sure that women giving birth will be relaxing, exactly but it’s less likely to make my blood boil than LordSurAlan and his merry band of 16 dem fules. I keep nodding off over my laptop (and jigsaw puzzles) so I can’t promise it will be the most lively of liveblogs (when is it ever?) but I’m a completist.

See you back here at 9pm. Bring steak, spinach and dark chocolate.

20.59 I have eaten spinach. It was horrible. I have now consulted the hivemind and have been recommended lots of different things to do with it. No-one advocated ‘killing it with a brick’. Oh well. Anyway. Babies!

21.04 Dh and I have just joined in with the chair discussion. You can never have enough chairs, especially for the ballet coffee morning. I’m so middle-class that I may vomit. I have even worked out that we actually BENEFIT from today’s budget. My inner 17 year old hates me.

21.07 I had the empty uterus dream the night before my 12 week scan. At that point my uterus was the polar OPPOSITE of empty…

21.09 Ah. The old protein in urine test. Very difficult to wee into a tub when your enormous bump obscures everything south of your enormous swollen breasts. I once scooped up a load of my wee water in a cup from the toilet bowl after I failed to hit the bullseye. Nice.

21.13 All consultants should wear bow ties. It should be mandatory.

21.14 2lb10oz is diddy, even for a 30-weeker. Poor little Cody 😦

21.21 Some 16 year olds seem more ready to have babies than others. They seem pretty mature for their age. When I was 16 I was very very cross with the world and kicked around in big jumpers and DM’s. No way was I ready for a baby then.

21.26 ‘Nice normal names’ ‘Not strange names’. I like these people. They are talkin’ mah language.

21.27 It’s just occurred to me that 16 year old Billie might be named after Billie Piper, which makes me feel ancient.

21.40 Sorry. My concentration is shot at the moment and I keep drifting off. *slaps self* This is no reflection on this episode, which is really interesting and as entertaining as usual.

21.43 I find the ‘baby not planned’ statement really interesting as surely with the contraceptive methods available an actual ‘accident’ is pretty unlikely isn’t it? You may not be actually ‘trying’ for a baby but if you have sex and don’t wear a condom or don’t take the pill for a day or two you are accepting the risk of getting pregnant. Surely ‘not actively trying to get pregnant’ is more likely?

21.54 If a midwife said ‘You’re the only one that can do this’ to me I would find it very difficult not to scream I EFFING KNOW THAT at them. It’s not like you can hire a monkey butler is it?

21.59 They should do recaps every week. I’d really like to see more recaps with couples and babies from previous series, starting with Janet and Ralph from Series 2 Episode 1 and Fabio and Joy from Series 1*. Get to it, Channel 4!

*I’m aware that I’m a little bit addicted to this programme.

22.01 TWINS! NEXT WEEK! TWINS *hyperventilates*

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