One Born Every Minute liveblog 7/3/2012

We’re on to episode 10 already and this week we have three very different couples to look forward to. I was saying to Dh last night that Channel 4 should do a mashup show called ‘One Big Fat Gypsy Born Every Minute’, in which travellers give birth with minimal involvement from their partners. Thelma Madine would be on standby at the hospital to create a bespoke Christening gown (with LEDs and mechanical butterflies, natch) for the newborn. The midwives would smile brightly throughout and say positive, life-affirming things.

I think it would be GREAT.

In the meantime, we’ll just have to make do with good old One Born. Be here at 9 or be a pineapple…or a palm tree.

20.57 Eschewing the usual televisual choices pre-One Born, we found an episode of Supersizers on YouTube. Giles Coren as an 80s yuppie. Be still my beating heart. Really. I like Alpha Males and Beta Geeks. He’s definitely in the latter (hairy hobbit) category.

21.02 While I don’t want to have any more babies. I’d love to be at the birth of someone else’s. Not quite sure I can wangle that, mind. Don’t think anyone would want me at their birth. I don’t have…what’s that crucial ingredient…? Tact. That’s the one. Oh well.

21.06 I was PROPERLY freaked out at the thought of pooing in front of everyone. Blood and guts? No problem. Poo? Not so much.

21.08 The dignity saying is one of Mum’s favourites. Along with Grammy Newton’s ‘Between two stools your arse falls to the ground’. Wise advice, that. No-one needs a sore arse. And now I’m back to poo again.

21.11 The prospect of vomming during childbirth (I did straight afterwards and burst my section stitches) didn’t bother me…mainly because I’m been vomming for most of the previous nine months. I could do a map of places I threw up whilst pregnant. Canary Wharf DLR station at 7.30am was probably the most glamorous.


21.18 Ridiculously glad I had a sunroof now.

21.19 I’m boycotting Celebrations since they removed the Galaxy Truffles from the selection.

21.21 *nods sagely* they all have an epidural in the end *crosses arms across imaginary bosom, purses lips*

21.24 I’m not sure I’d trust a clairvoyant to inform my thinking on life-altering decisions. However, I do think that choosing a safer method of insemination than t’internet is wise advice.

21.26 Just asked Dh if he would want to see the baby’s head coming out. He said Meh…yeah.

21.29 Lucas. Good name.

21.30 IT’S THE WISE OLD ELF *TOOOOOOOT* Haaaang on. He’ll be 79 when the baby turns 18. Crumbs.

21.37 We’ve changed thousands of nappies since we had the girls. Poo holds no fear for us. Just done a rough calculation and we changed nearly 4,500 nappies in the girls’ first year. People wonder why we’re not having any more…

21.40 I imagine he went to school with God. They were probably milk monitors together.

21.45 I like to think that I’ll be really accepting of the life choices that the girls make, but as a Mum it must be a culture shock to meet your daughter’s boyfriends and then for her to tell you that she’s gay. The sexuality thing wouldn’t bother me at all. It’d be the sudden change of mind that I would find more difficult to deal with. Basically, I don’t like change and I really don’t like people changing their minds. It’s the Librarian in me.

21.52 I’d like to write more but I’m about to be attacked by a gang of militant librarians with sharpened date stamps. It’s ok. I’m going to hurl hardback copies of DDC at them, Shaun of the Dead-style.

21.56 I LOVED breastfeeding R. I wish we’d been able to do it for longer. G had other ideas…

21.58 6lb3oz is dinky for a single baby. *smug twin mum face*

22.00 Did they say Mormons next week? Did I hear that correctly? *bulk buys cava and mozzarella-based snacks in anticipation*

That was fun…I’ll never be able to watch Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom in the same way again though.


17 thoughts on “One Born Every Minute liveblog 7/3/2012

  1. If asked before having kids what I’d rather clean up poo, wee, snot or sick, I’d have said “None!”
    Having kids definitely hardens you to the yukkiness of bodily fluids!

      • Spending all your time hanging around other women’s smelly nethers isn’t for me either. Bless ’em for doing it so we don’t have to though!

      • I can only begin to imagine the comments you’d come out with Jo. “Cor, I’ve seen some bushes in my time but you could plait that!”, “Should have no trouble pushing your baby out love. Got a chuff like a wizards sleeve there” etc. :0P

    • Except when I’m doing Lent and give up meanness and sarcasm, during which I’d be uber midwife. The rest of the time I’d be a horror 😉

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