One Born Every Minute liveblog 29/2/2012

It’s leap day! Let’s take a leap! Oh. What’s that you say? You’re a bit busy? Well, are you trying to do the laundry, writing up the adventures of Gerry the nursery Giraffe, finishing off a work document and sending work e-mails SIMULTANEOUSLY? ARE YOU?

Busy? BUSY? You don’t know the MEANING of the word busy. Yet here I am, poised to do another OBEM liveblog. I’m too, too good to you. I really am. (like anyone actually reads this shit anyway…)

I haven’t had the chance to look at the preview but we’re on Episode 9. I suspect there will be lot more LOOVLEH BAY-BEHS born between 9 and 10pm.

Laterz….

21.01. Squeaky bum time. So caught up with things that I’ve only just sat down. Trying to print off Gerry’s story to put in his book to take back to nursery, still haven’t finished the work thing…never mind. It can all wait for an hour while I watch OBEM.

21.04 How does Olga manage to look so glam in the early stages of labour? I looked like a sack of shit and I had a planned section. (I straightened my hair beforehand but followed the instructions to not wear make-up).

21.06 Why the heck did she choose not to have an interpreter? Surely it’s no different to having a medical professional in the room, especially if they’ve partnered someone in labour before.

21.08 Tattoos…giving birth…totally the same level of pain. Ooh! New northerism: FIESTEH!

21.13 Not wanting your husband at the birth because it’s intimate. So is the act that got you in the labour ward in the first place, girlfriend *clicks fingers, pops head from side to side* Uh-huh.

21.20 Oh! The melodrama! I think the Lithuanian woman is the first woman EVAH to have a baby. However, I admire her commitment to grooming between contractions. Lipgloss!

21.23 A spinal doesn’t hurt anywhere near as much as you think it’s going to. Or maybe my spectacles have become extremely rose-tinted in the last four years…?

21.25 “No Victor I don’t want you to stroke me anywhere”. Brilliant!

21.26 I LOVE old-fashioned names. Violet Elizabeth reminds me very slightly of Violent Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s so much nicer than lots of these new fangled names you hear, like Ethel and Dorothy. Ethel and Dorothy would have been an excellent sibset for twin girls. Christ, if the girls were named after my grandmothers they would be called Winifred and Mabel. Actually, Mabel isn’t too bad…

21.36 Christ. Giving birth is hard enough without doing it in a foreign language. The poor midwives are trying to communicate and not getting very far.

21.38 Oh bless. People forget that miscarriages hit the partner as hard as the woman.

21.41. I’m such a sucker for advertising. I have just ordered a copy of the One Born book from Amazon.

21.42 THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT BIRTH YOU SILLY WOMAN IT’S A PERFECTLY NORMAL BIRTH WITH CONTRACTIONS AND PAIN!!!

21.43 *breathes*

21.52 It’s a brave woman that wears acrylics in labour. Ouchy forceps time.

21.53 Meanwhile in the 1950s…

21.54 The word ‘episiotomy’ makes my bits curl inwards on themselves.

21.56 PLINKY MUSIC AND WRINKY CUTE BABY ALERT!

21.57 This is like the birth scene in Mad Men where Don is in the waiting room and Betty is whacked out on drugs, floating high above the delivery room. He flinched a bit at the naked baby. Not going to be a hands-on father, then?

22.00 From the preview of next week’s episode, it looks like the Wise Old Elf has turned lesbian and is having a baby with Nanny Plum while a small child poos in the corner. Have I got that right? TBH Nanny Plum (the cartoon character) could turn me. She’s totally awesome.

22.01 My brain is addled, I have the rest of the laundry to sort out and a report to finish so I will leave it there. Adios amigos!

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