One Born Every Minute liveblog 8/2/2012

Do I really have to do an intro bit now? Really? <scuffles foot on stony floor, sighs heavily> Oh. Ok then. You know the drill. We’re up to Episode 6 now and for once I’ve actually looked at the preview. I know! I was shocked as well. It’s a blip, I promise.

After last week’s Jeremy Kyle-style shenanigans we’re back to…oh! 17 years old you say? Father of child in jail you say? *Flexes typing fingers with anticipation*. The other couple are older and already have children from previous relationships/marriages. Third time’s the charm, as they say…

See you back here at 9pm for some serious judgy-pants hoicking and baby-cooing.

20.54pm the ruffly-haired uber-posh Baker Brothers are visiting some Master Bakers. I misheard that first time. If some of the prospective parents on One Born had visited the Master Bakers they wouldn’t be in the labour ward. Ka-boom-tish. I’m here all week. Really.

21.01 Oh heck ‘A dramatic struggle to survive’ *reaches for tissues*

21.05 He is NOT 47. I’d put him at mid-late 30s.

21.07 and at the other end of the spectrum… THAT’S NOT A REAL NAME!! HOW MANY VOWELS???

21.08 Lot of Croydon facelifts there *adopts snob face, pulls judgy pants out of arse crack*

21.12 ‘He’s a good lad but he can’t stay out of jail’. What a catch eh? Well, they’ve clearly spend more than a few minutes together to get her into this mess. I’m back to Too Much Too Young again. Haven’t you heard of contraception? TRY WEARING A CAP!

21.18 I really like Dawn’s glasses – but if I wore them I’d look like Velma from Scooby Doo.

21.20 ‘He were dead happy to be a dad…but not happy enough to stay out of jail’. Sigh.

21.22 The trouble with 8 year olds is that their pain threshold is non-existent.

21.24 Do midwives become immune to the screaming after a while? It’s like Resident Evil set in a labour ward.

21.32 BIGGER. FATTER. GYPSYER. Pineapple. Palm tree. Yeeeeeeees!

21.33 Hold hands everyone….Dh is wincing and gripping his phone just a little bit tighter next to me on the sofa.

21.34 A cut. I’m clenching. Front and back.Ow.

21.42 Couldn’t type during that. I clutched Dh’s hand. It was the bit when the head was out but the shoulders were stuck and the baby was floppy and silent. Horrible. Wonderful to hear the little baby cry. I held my breath throughout. Can I breathe out now?

21.48 Meanwhile….GIRRIT SOME WELLEH! Go on go on go on do yeh want a cup o’tea?

21.53 TWANG.

21.55 That wasn’t the sound of my womb twanging.

21.56 10lb5oz!!! Wow. No wonder the poor thing got stuck. Looks like they had to break her arm to get her out. The medical team did an amazing job there.

21.59 I hope Jack grows up and realises what he’s missing out on withhis daughter.

22.00 TWINS! TWINS ALERT! NEXT WEEK! TWINS!

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17 thoughts on “One Born Every Minute liveblog 8/2/2012

  1. This is the first time i’ve come across your posts on this program so your reluctant introduction was worth it lol Last weeks OBEM was the first time I started to question it. I followed the comments on twitter and so many people were going on about the message at the end about the dna tests being done and the colour of the baby meaning it was clearly not the lads. Anyways, let’s see what tonights show brings us…

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