One Born Every Minute liveblog 18/1/2012


IIIIIIIT’S One Born Every Minute liveblog day!

I cannot remember a darned thing from the preview they showed at the end of last week’s episode and I can’t be arsed to look it up so I’ll be going into tonight’s episode blind. Probably best, as I took agin Heather from last week’s show based on the preview and totally changed my view as I watched the show. Lesson there folks – don’t hoick up the enormous judgy-pants until you’ve got all the facts.

See you back here just before 9pm!

20.58 The Things are in bed, I’ve done Day 14 of the 30 Day Shred (my shoulders hurt), Dh made dinner and I’m primed and ready for some more extreme birthing action. Yeah!

21.00 Glad I wasn’t on Twitter when I gave birth. No-one needed whacked-out morphine tweets from me. Although they’d probably make more sense than my usual streams of shite.

21.04 ALL workplaces are the same. Always issues with the fridges and they’re always the arse end of grim.

Oh jesus. The singing. The singing.

21.05 The thing with a planned section is the waiting around. Dh and I were on a 4-bed ward, so no singing. Did some reading and some crossword puzzles, IIRC. Had to be there for 7am. Didn’t go down to theatre until midday. Wish I’d done more singing now…I could’ve used those 5 hours to ‘explore my sexuality’ (except I did that at university)

21.08 This girl looks approximately 10 minutes older than The Things and she’s having a bay-beh. I love the way Northern people say bay-beh. Bay-beh. Loov-leh. She was born in 1993. I was 13 then. She wasn’t alive when You Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer was released. That’s not right.

21.11 How it’s come about? Sex. That’s how it comes abowt.

21.15 If that woman in that advert was a parent, she’d be reaching for the gin.

21.13 See you layTAH. Us Southerners. Well classy, innit.

21.17 When the midwife comes to get you for the section you feel like you’re walking to your execution. I say walking, I mean waddling inelegantly in an ill-fitting gown with no knickers on whilst making shitty witty banter with my entourage (midwives, porters, students, Dh, etc.) There were LOADS of us. I felt like Jay-Z.

21.19 It’s a mixture of Christmas Day before you open your presents and the moment of dread before you open your A-Level results. She says no magic in a c-section, I think NO STITCHES and a lovely snug chuff.

21.21 The Victoria Wood ‘Kimberleh’ sketch has just popped into my head, apropos of nothing…


21.24 EEEEEVA *Wall-E alert* Eva is a very pretty name. G was 6lb5oz. (I won’t mention how much R was on top of that)

21.26 Let the man see the pain! None of that Man Men 1950s nonsense!

21.33 Cow. Dh had to take my bellybutton ring out when I was 24 weeks pregnant. As my bellybutton now looks like Jabba the Hutt’s arse it won’t ever be going back in.

21.39 This mornin’? This mornin’? THIS Mornin’? Some blokes suck. Too Much Too Young by The Specials: ‘Ain’t you heard of contraception? TRY WEARING A CAP!’.

21.43 If I was in that much pain and someone was aggressively stroking my head I’d bite their wrist off. I love scrunchy-faced newborns. They look really cross that they’ve been ejected from their nice warm home and punted, blinking, into a hospital.

21.50 I’d like to be a midwife but I don’t think I’d want to do that much ‘rummaging’ around strangers’ intimate bits. Being a librarian is marginally less smelly.

21.55 Morphine is BRILLIANT.

21.56 Plinky plonky music again. She’s gonna have that bay-beh! Alfeh. Loovleh.

21.59 I think next week’s episode might be the first in this series that makes me cry. I’ll make sure I have a stack of tissues ready. See you next week for more chuff-stretching fun!


16 thoughts on “One Born Every Minute liveblog 18/1/2012

    • It shocks me how much they pull on their little heads. Especially when you think how delicate their necks are once born. I’m glad I couldn’t see that.

      • Did the bed rock during yours? Apparently it shook really violently during my section. They weren’t very keen to come out by the sound of it! Don’t blame them as it was the middle of December and absolutely freezing!

      • I didn’t notice the bed rock but I think Maxwell (transverse) and Euan (breech) gave them a bit of trouble as there was 3 minutes between their births and only 1 between C&T (both head down)

      • Grace was head down and Ruth was transverse so I think she staged a Swampy style protest and clung on with her little fingers!

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