Blame TOWIE.

TOWIE? The Only Way Is Essex. You knew that, right?

I’m pale. I’m so pale that my legs look blue. My arms and shoulders tan. Sometimes they go a bit pink. My legs, regardless of how much sun exposure they get, stay resolutely white. I swore that fake tan was chavvy and that ‘people like me’ (the blue-legged people) didn’t get fake tans done.

Things have changed on HoT mountain.

I had some annual leave recently and my friend came down for a girlie night out. When I go up to stay with her we sometimes get our nails done at her local nail bar. I decided to treat myself. We have a beauty salon near us so I took the plunge and booked a mini-manicure. On the spur of the moment I also booked myself in for a full-body fake tan.

The receptionist smiled. ‘Ever had a fake tan done before?’ I looked down at my lilywhite legs and replied in the negative. I was given a list of instructions: shave and exfoliate the night before, don’t wear any make-up, jewellery or deodorant for the Spray (getting the lingo now) and wear loose clothing. I was also told that I could wear bra and knickers, just knickers or go au naturel for the spray.  I can’t quite see why my nethers would need to look brown so I wore pants. The no make-up thing was trickier. I can’t go to the corner shop these days without a face on so I compromised and made my hair look REALLY REALLY nice instead and wore a loose-ish maxi dress. Of course, the straightening was pointless as I had to scoop it up into a ponytail and put a really fetching shower cap on.

I was advised to go for a mid-brown colour and once I was stripped and ready for basting the spraying began. It was a bit cold and tickly but not unpleasant. The beautician bellowed instructions and showed me poses to stand in so that she could give a good, even tan. It was done in about five minutes and she left me alone to dry off for a couple of minutes and get dressed. I looked down. My skin didn’t look very different. Maybe the whole fake tan thing was a massive con. Maybe I was SO WHITE that the orangiest fake tan would be barely noticeable on my skin.

I couple of hours later I went to the loo. I pulled my pants down and had…TAN LINES. Actual tan lines. My nethers were white but the rest of me was a rather pleasant golden colour. I knew I couldn’t shower for at least six hours afterwards and as the day went on the change in skin tone became more noticeable.

I stepped out for my night out feeling tanned, manicured (pink with silver cracked effect) and fabulous. I bumped into some work colleagues and they commented on how well looked. I struck a pose and said “FAKE TAN!!” in a triumphant voice. I felt more confident, suddenly.

I had intended the spray to be a one-off event. Three weeks later I went back and had another one. I went a bit darker (light black) this time. I had my nails done again to: dark pink with a black cracked effect this time. I’m off to a conference next week so I’m planning to get ‘done’ before I go: mani, pedi and spray this time. This might get a bit addictive…


7 thoughts on “Spray

  1. Ha, nice! I’ve only had a fake tan once, for my sister’s wedding last summer – I’m also pretty much allergic to sunlight, so every summer I face the choice between going bright red or remaining pasty white. Quite liked the fake tan effect, and was pleased to see that it was more “natural healthy glow” than “tango-tastic WAG”, but it seemed like too much hassle to do on a regular basis!

    Is it Umbrella you’re off to next week? If so, I’ll see you there – will look out for the lady with the gorgeous tanned bod 😉

  2. Oooh now I’m tempted. I shied away from it when I went to a wedding last year – I had nails done (acrylic) but spent the time trying to get them to look natural. I recently bought some tan wipes recommended by a friend and they are fantastic and they cost just over £1! But the spray thing is probably better for an all over ‘tango’. Might just give it a go – if I can muster up the courage to go!
    PS very envious of ‘innapropriate shoes’ – mine are only ever inappropriate because of the smell!

    • I’d recommend it Jan. I pay £21 for an all-over spray and the place I go to is very anti the tango look. I’ve lost count of the number of people who’ve asked me if I’ve been on holiday since I started having it done!

  3. Are you on commission?! Definitely want a manicure now and even tempted by a “Spray” (never had either).

    I had my first pedicure in New Orleans just before the ALA conference, and really enjoyed it. Now I’m back in the UK my feet have been tucked away in socks and shoes and they’re not happy about it 😦

    • I had my feet ‘done’ on Monday. I’ve got ridiculously ticklish feet so just had a shape and polish. I normally have a mini-mani…not sure what a full one involves that’s additonal to the mini version.

      I promise I’m not on commission. Wish I was 😉

      • I had a full pedicure with massage chair and foot soak/rub. Wasn’t sure I would like it but I loved it. My feet felt so nice and smooth afterwards. Think I might reward myself with a proper pampering session when I submit my dissertation. 🙂

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