TOWIE? The Only Way Is Essex. You knew that, right?
I’m pale. I’m so pale that my legs look blue. My arms and shoulders tan. Sometimes they go a bit pink. My legs, regardless of how much sun exposure they get, stay resolutely white. I swore that fake tan was chavvy and that ‘people like me’ (the blue-legged people) didn’t get fake tans done.
Things have changed on HoT mountain.
I had some annual leave recently and my friend came down for a girlie night out. When I go up to stay with her we sometimes get our nails done at her local nail bar. I decided to treat myself. We have a beauty salon near us so I took the plunge and booked a mini-manicure. On the spur of the moment I also booked myself in for a full-body fake tan.
The receptionist smiled. ‘Ever had a fake tan done before?’ I looked down at my lilywhite legs and replied in the negative. I was given a list of instructions: shave and exfoliate the night before, don’t wear any make-up, jewellery or deodorant for the Spray (getting the lingo now) and wear loose clothing. I was also told that I could wear bra and knickers, just knickers or go au naturel for the spray. I can’t quite see why my nethers would need to look brown so I wore pants. The no make-up thing was trickier. I can’t go to the corner shop these days without a face on so I compromised and made my hair look REALLY REALLY nice instead and wore a loose-ish maxi dress. Of course, the straightening was pointless as I had to scoop it up into a ponytail and put a really fetching shower cap on.
I was advised to go for a mid-brown colour and once I was stripped and ready for basting the spraying began. It was a bit cold and tickly but not unpleasant. The beautician bellowed instructions and showed me poses to stand in so that she could give a good, even tan. It was done in about five minutes and she left me alone to dry off for a couple of minutes and get dressed. I looked down. My skin didn’t look very different. Maybe the whole fake tan thing was a massive con. Maybe I was SO WHITE that the orangiest fake tan would be barely noticeable on my skin.
I couple of hours later I went to the loo. I pulled my pants down and had…TAN LINES. Actual tan lines. My nethers were white but the rest of me was a rather pleasant golden colour. I knew I couldn’t shower for at least six hours afterwards and as the day went on the change in skin tone became more noticeable.
I stepped out for my night out feeling tanned, manicured (pink with silver cracked effect) and fabulous. I bumped into some work colleagues and they commented on how well looked. I struck a pose and said “FAKE TAN!!” in a triumphant voice. I felt more confident, suddenly.
I had intended the spray to be a one-off event. Three weeks later I went back and had another one. I went a bit darker (light black) this time. I had my nails done again to: dark pink with a black cracked effect this time. I’m off to a conference next week so I’m planning to get ‘done’ before I go: mani, pedi and spray this time. This might get a bit addictive…